Here Comes Peter Cottontail... Mortified as he hops down his bunny trail...

Easter is almost upon us.  Never mind that it is entirely too early this year and that puts my OCD into full throttle - it is literally right around the corner!  Easter is BY FAR my favorite holiday.  When people learn this about me for the first time they are often in shock.  REALLY?!?!?!?  Over Christmas?  Over Halloween?  Yes.  Over and above any holiday out there - Easter is my favorite.  I was born in Louisiana.  The Deep South.  Easter is an annual coalescence of smocked attire and crawfish boils galore.  I have a very unhealthy obsession with smocked apparel thanks to my Mimi, Mother, and Aunt Janet.  They would deck us out - their four oldest grandchildren - in matching smocked fabulousness every Easter.  We would then get our pictures taken ad nauseam.  I have to admit we DID look pretty spectacular in our Easter regalia every year.  There are pictures of all of us traipsing around in our grandparent's backyard like peacocks strutting our bright toddler plumage.  And, let me tell you that our parents did not skip a beat on our Easter accoutrements.  We would wear the biggest lace bonnets, little white gloves, ornate eyelet lace panties politely peeping out underneath our dresses, perfectly detailed smocked garb, lace ankle socks, and patent leather Mary Jane shoes.   We were oohed and ahhed at for what seemed like a lifetime by our family paparazzi.  And, the best part!??!?!  The eggs that we were collecting by force for our baskets were stocked full of chocolate crap!  We were being strategically instructed to pick up sugar bombs all over the yard.  My Pampa would make that huge coconut bunny cake with the jelly bean tie made infamous in the '80s for dessert every year.  And, let me add...  My aunt would dress up AS the Easter Bunny, and we would watch her from the window in awe as she carefully laid out our treasured sugar highs.  As a brief side bar - my uncles ALSO got on the roof every Christmas Eve as reindeer with sleigh bells while my other uncle dressed up as Santa Claus.  We would be woken up and paraded into the living area to watch him eat our cookies and lay out our precious gifts.  Two things.  Number one, this is Louisiana - every adult involved was heavily intoxicated.  Number two, this annual pageantry carved a path of pure holiday mania for myself and my cousins.  Life was good at Mimi and Pampa's for the holidays.  The kids were running around in a sugar daze while the adults were in a booze nebula.  It was magic.  For whatever reason the pomp and circumstance of Easter resonated with me the most.  It fueled my Princess syndrome.  Before I had children of my own, it was the highlight of my year to find that perfect dress, hat, and shoes for Easter morning at church.  Now that I have two daughters of my own, it is pertinent that I find THE quintessential Easter ensem for them to sport every Spring.  It is also a requirement that my home become a Bunny-filled enchanted forest.  This may all sound completely foreign to you, but I literally know no different.  This is truly how I was raised.  As I started researching Easter decor fads for this year, I came across some truly disturbing bunny trends from the days of yore.  So bothersome, in fact, that I simply HAD to share all of them with you in their tasteless glory!

I want all of you to have a firm understanding of my deeply entrenched Easter fetish.  These two photos are of myself and my cousin, Jenny.  You, too, would have an unsound relationship with this holiday if this was your reality every season!  ** Side note - please ignore the crotch shot of my Mom there in the background on Easter morning... She was truly a sexual pioneer, that one...**

I came across piles of 'tacky Easter sweater' images the other day.  I know that this might be hard for my friends a decade younger than me to comprehend, but these were the height of fashion at one point.  My Mom and I owned masses of these for every occasion.  They were PTA Mom-errific.  Exhibit A shown above is the last Easter that I celebrated with my Mom before she passed away.  The sweater that I am proudly sporting is tacky sweater couture at its FINEST!  A little girl sitting behind us at church that Easter Sunday, leaned over and whispered to her Mom that Strawberry Shortcake was sitting in front of her.  She loved my red hat.  It was probably the single best compliment of my life up until that point. 

Apparently, vintage Easter bunny figurines in a "take a shit stance" were once quite the novelty.  I came across several of them.  The second one must have been highly coveted because it appears to have a rabbit hemorrhoid protruding from its derriere. 

These images put a whole new meaning behind 'He is risen' on Easter Sunday.  When I originally came across the above plate and accessories, I thought that it must be an Easter Brunch place setting from the Playboy Mansion.  I have stared at this picture for hours trying to figure out exactly what the erect figurine could possibly be under the brown felt bunny?!?!?!?  I have yet to think of a reasonable explanation.  THEN, there's swinging dick Easter Bunny up there.  I am guessing that Uncle Mo showed up hammered to the family egg hunt and forgot to don his male undergarments.  He had to be reminded that they were hiding EGGS in the yard - NOT BALLS.  And, last but not least, is Peter Rabbit.  He seems to be rather fond of his large erect peter up there.  It is as if he is saying - "You know you want to lick it...  Just own it...  Carrots are DELICIOUS."    

Time has not been kind on the Easter Bunny.  He smokes two packs a day and pops Aderall just to make it through Easter each year without having a Meth relapse.  He used to deal pot on the offseason, but is now on probation.  He likes to fondly look back on this vintage portrait of himself surrounded by his precious grass.  It used to take multiple joints a day just to get him through Easter Sunday.  Now that he has found God and dental implants, this vision of him is a distant memory.  Keep on keepin' on, EB.  You've got this. 

Is it a wonder that children are distressed when placed on the Easter Bunny's lap for pictures at the mall?!?!?!  I have found 4 prime examples.  We have inbred, crackhead bunny.  He happily agreed to be compensated with free mall court corndogs.  Then, we have the twins from The Shining who took sanction in playing the Easter Bunny after work dried up for them. They were fired after they continued to whisper 'Redrum' in patron's ears.  Next up, pedophile Easter Bunny.  He was removed from his duties when he kept asking children to pet his carrot.  And, last but not least, we have the Klu Klux Klan Bunny.   Redneck Roy needed extra income after his trailer was ruined in a tornado.  He thought that modifying his KKK uniform into a bunny costume would make his past look inconspicuous.  Roy was terminated and jailed for passing out Swastika pamphlets and candy to toddlers.  Does it not baffle anyone else how one of the cutest animals on the planet can be morphed into the most feared item sitting in the mall for a month?!?!?!?  

When I picture a fuzzy stuffed bunny lovingly planted in my basket for my enjoyment, these are not the visions that fill my head.  Regrettably, there is a very limited market for bunnies like those shown above that would have been found after the Chernobyl disaster.  

I also came across some troubling bunny statues that must have done poorly after initial reproduction.  After Boy Scout Den leaders got a bad wrap for being perverts, the first bunny model shown was quickly put out of circulation.  The Easter industry already has a candy named 'Peeps' - it did not need any 'Peeping Toms' added to the mix.  And, as we have all recently learned, Donald Trump will do just about anything to make a buck.  At one point, he had an Easter Bunny of his likeness on the market.  It bombed.  No one wants a deranged bunny with bad hair and a flashy suit as a toy.  Go figure. 

Now that we have seen the sour side of Easter, let's top off this session with the very sweet side of Easter!

Cadbury Cream Egg Cocktail

Ingredients:

1 oz dark Creme de Cacao

1/2 oz Godiva chocolate liqueur

1 oz Bailey's Caramel Irish Cream

Splash of Smirnoff whipped cream Vodka

Chocolate syrup

Caramel syrup

Drizzle a martini glass with the chocolate syrup and place in the freezer for 15 minutes.  Mix the Creme de Cacao, Godiva liqueur, Bailey's, and the splash of Smirnoff whipped cream vodka.  Stir or shake until well mixed.  Remove the glass with the chocolate drizzled on the bottom from the freezer and squeeze a good sized dollop of caramel sauce into the glass (this serves as the 'yolk' for the cream egg).  Gently pour the liquor mixture over the caramel dollop and ENJOY!  This drink is pure heaven!  Cheers!!