Then, we had kids. When we decide to start going into the pool again for the season, it is like a grand opening event. There are blueprints involved and days of preparation. We have to scour and search for items that have been MIA for 6 months. We will be held accountable by the little Nazis that we cater to if even one swimming Disney princess is missing. It is a mystery how they even notice one absent doll because they literally own 28 swimming Barbies.
We also have an enchanted forest in our backyard that Chris has to prep. We are a very well-known wild animal haven here in McKinney. We have four dogs, but they are all spineless snatches. We have countless bunnies, squirrels, possums, birds, butterflies, and insects residing by our pool. These animals are brazen little creatures. They roll their eyes and put up their umbrella drinks with great disdain when we decide to start using our backyard again. Our overbearing presence is a real nuisance for them. They even put a call into Sarah McLachlan a few years ago about this injustice. Needless to say, we had to become big ASPCA donors to settle the case out of court.
There are countless components that must transpire for several days behind the scenes before we can actually ever step foot into our pool. There are purchases, negotiations, cleanings, scavenger hunts, disposals, trimmings, washings, updates, testings, and lots of prayers that go into this annual affair. If you own a pool, you can fully relate. If you are considering the endeavor of putting in a pool, this might guide you in your final decision.
The Given Pool Checklist:
1) Trim The Bush
In the Fall and Winter, I opt to go au naturel. I only shave below my knees when it is cold, and, honestly, even that is erratic. When warm weather is upon us, I take on the momentous endeavor to refurbish that zone. I refuse to wax, so a lot of razors give up their lives for the cause. It looks like I assassinated Richard Simmons in my shower after all is said and done.
2) The Toy Tally
All of our pool toys hibernate in a storage cabinet on our back porch. I am never quite certain about their condition when I pull them back out. Those that make the cut and are salvaged need to be cleansed. I do a Barbie and buddy baptism. They are purified in a very scientific ceremony. Once reborn, they are absolved of all past sins and are put back into rotation.
3) Pool Trinket Burial
Given pool toys face a very hazardous existence. We swim in our pool every day for about 5 months in any given year. A majority of those days involve a multitude of children manhandling them for hours bordering on the verge of toy abuse. The performances that they are required to play range from South American cliff diver to being on a double date with Barbie and her sister. These roles require them to change hats on a dime. It has to be exhausting work to say the least. Buckets, drawers, and all other receptacles that hold water are also required to portray diverse improvisation pieces without any notice. If that wasn't bad enough, their fate could be in question if one of our dogs decides to join in the fun. As you can imagine, the carnage is immense. Toys that were salvaged might not make it into play the following summer and also need to be tossed. This all must be done quickly and justly under a veil of trickery so that our kids do not see us eliminating their objects without their sworn permission.
4) Clean Out The Outdoor Refrigerator/Freezer
I try my very best to handle this in the Fall. I often fail to fully excavate the perishable items I have placed in the outdoor fridge for convenience purposes. Please note what greeted me this weekend. I pondered the shelf life of Jell-O - astronauts take it to the moon with them, right?? So, this Jell-O expires in 2029, give or take? I am pretty sure that something scurried past my eyes as I stared into the abyss of my fridge. And, the ice pops in the freezer winked at me.
5) Assess Damage From Bulldog Puppy
Our youngest Bulldog, Bart, thinks that he is a Lab because the other two Bulldogs detest him. This caused a curious situation as he picked up the reprehensible habits of a Lab puppy. None of our other Bulldogs ever faced an identity crisis, so they never chewed and ruined household items. Bart chewed on everything inclusive of patio furniture, cushions, pool toys, plants, water hoses, towels, cement, rocks, and the fence. We got reminded of his damage from last summer when we pulled out all of our patio accoutrements. Chris and I had the exact same verbal reaction - 'Fucker.'
6) Wash All Character Towels
Heaven forbid the Hello Kitty or Barbie towel not be available to dry off the girls as they exit the pool. It is common knowledge that some plain ass polka dot towel will not have the same absorption capacity.
7) Charge And Update The Sonos Speaker
It would just not be the same Given pool experience without 80's jams blaring from our backyard. We are noble and selfless neighbors that feel this experience should be shared across our community. It is a prerequisite that the Sonos speaker and all Spotify lists are in full commission before we spend any time in the pool.
8) Stock Up On Tennis Balls
Two of our four dogs are obsessed with balls. Lola, or Lab, paces alongside the pool until you give her one. Diesel, one of our male Bulldogs, stands there and barks at us until we give him one. Once given a ball, their behavior does not improve. Lola spends the rest of the time pacing with a ball in her mouth and refuses to share. Diesel immediately drops it and continues to assault you with shrill barks and whimpers until you throw it again. Lola never really drops the ball. Asshole. Diesel - all 70 pounds of Bulldog lovin' - has a misconceived notion that he can actually swim. He jumps in after ANY item floating in the water that could remotely be misconstrued for a ball. Asshole.
9) Make Sure The Cushions Are Out For Her Highness
Our female Bulldog, Lulu, is a prima donna. She does not realize that she is a dog. She does not do exercise or really anything that would exert any type of effort. She even refuses to eat dog food. Her purpose in life is to sit on a padded bench to survey her kingdom. We spare no expense on comfort when it comes to her.
10) Place Ad In Craigslist For Cabana Boy
OK, OK... The ad reads for a 'swim instructor' or 'lifeguard', but does a mere title really matter?!??? I am very honest about the fact that there is a uniform involved. I also must see a current photograph prior to any interviews. I feel that being honest-ish really IS the best policy.
At the end of all of the preparation that goes into swimming AND actually swimming - a drink is WELL deserved! And, might I add... After the hours that we put into getting this pool ready, I hardly want to fuck around with a beer. This girl wants booze. I DESERVE BOOZE.
Bourbon Peach Slush
Ingredients:
3 cups of frozen peaches
1 cup of ginger ale
6 ounces of bourbon
1 tablespoon of sugar (should you want it to taste a little sweeter...)
Directions:
Place all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth!
PLEASE NOTE - The serving size in the above picture does not accurately represent me or my blog. I feel a solid Big Gulp cup equipped with a lid and straw is more appropriate. I do not need anyone waging a lawsuit battle with me over misleading portion sizes. Cheers!!
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