This is my second summer to be victimized. I flinch at the sound of children's voices in unison if I have to run errands after I leave my post every day. I had to hit the grocery store on Tuesday, and my response to my kids asking me for some popsicles was not what they expected. I looked down and meekly said - "Yes. Just take it. Take them all. Please don't hurt me." We left the store with three different boxes of popsicles.
I am responsible for 11 unbridled animals every day. Before you put your hand to your mouth in disbelief, I will share with you that one of them is my own child. Trust me -- they're all little barbarians. I very quickly learned that the Mom that arrives early and late every day does so with full intent. She is the one that has the most untamed brute in her care. The Mom that states that her child is the 'shy one' is full of shit. She knows damn well that there was a full moon last night, and her spawn is going to run laps around me as I walk from station to station. The Mom that states that her beast does not like to sing is the one unyieldingly screeching in my ear during the songs. The Moms that arrive and leave in work out attire ARE NOT going to the gym. Who the fuck do you think you're kidding here!?!?!??! I know that you're catching up on your Bravo shows. The Mom that brags that her little Billy is an all-star athlete is the one who falls the very first day during games and needs 16 bandages. The Mom that tells me that her child used the restroom right before they left the house is the one who needs a potty break every 15 minutes. The Mom that tells me that her child is a picky eater is the one eating the crusty snacks winking at him on the floor.
LIES. ALL LIES. I would much rather prefer that you JUST be completely honest with me. At least, then, I could properly know what I am getting myself into for the week... "Hi! I'm Bucky's Mom! Listen, he is a bit of a wuss about the heat. And, don't let him get wet.... Did you ever see the movie 'Gremlins'? YEAH... Just keep him away from water. It's just best for everyone that way, okay? ALSO... He rarely has sugar at home. I highly recommend that you keep him away from sweet snacks. He starts foaming at the mouth and pretending that he is riding a dragon. Huh - what else??? Those are the biggies - hopefully, you won't see more than four of his personalities this week, OK? Good luck!"
For my Momma friends out there that do not stick around for VBC, there is a special place in hell for you. I mean, enjoy your free time - you totally deserve it! Here's a peek into a typical day of VBC.
1) The Dump And Run With Music Playing As A Distraction. When you arrive to drop off your little one, we are singing songs and dancing for a solid 30 minutes. This is to muffle out the shrill screams from your children as you leave them with complete strangers for the day. There are also far too many people in this area for them to seek you out. There is no place to run; no place to hide. Saddle up and start singing or it's going to be a long morning!
5) Snack Time. Simple enough, right!?!?!? You place these subcreatures in a room with food after being outdoors, and they will be happy humans. Right?!?!?! Wrong. There is only one snack option offered each day. Undoubtedly, there was one personage per table that would start a riot. "I don't like pretzels." "Well, eat the other two items supplied for you in your snack bag." "I can't - they touched the pretzels." {You know what, you ungrateful little fucker, then starve.} "Betsy, did you know that Taylor Swift's favorite snack is pretzels???" "They ARE?!?!?!?!? Omigosh - I LOVE pretzels then..." Wait for it... Here it comes from the boys at the table... "UGH. Taylor Swift is STUPID. If SHE likes pretzels, then I HATE them." Every. day.
8) The Youth Volunteers. The Youth Captives. The Youth Slaves. The Youth Workhorses. The Youth Servants. The Youth Jungle Gyms. The Youth Puppets. I cannot say enough positive things about the youth volunteers at VBC. They are the brawn and laborers that sustain alarming abuse from every possible youngster on any given day. They are climbed on, sat on, pulled on, wallered on, flopped on, rolled on, and stood on. They are live dolls for these kids to experiment with in every sense of the word. I would look up and girls would be restyling a youth volunteer's hair. Boys would literally be swinging off of a youth volunteer's body. At any time, these sweet souls would have 4 or more kids piled on top of them. There is no way that I could have made it through this week without their unfailing spirit. I kept waiting to find one of them in a corner weeping and trembling, but it never happened. If a child did not want to walk to their next activity, they would hop onto the youth volunteer express. These young men and women were amazing; I just pray that none of these harrowing circumstances ever scars them for life about having a family of their own one day!
LIES. ALL LIES. I would much rather prefer that you JUST be completely honest with me. At least, then, I could properly know what I am getting myself into for the week... "Hi! I'm Bucky's Mom! Listen, he is a bit of a wuss about the heat. And, don't let him get wet.... Did you ever see the movie 'Gremlins'? YEAH... Just keep him away from water. It's just best for everyone that way, okay? ALSO... He rarely has sugar at home. I highly recommend that you keep him away from sweet snacks. He starts foaming at the mouth and pretending that he is riding a dragon. Huh - what else??? Those are the biggies - hopefully, you won't see more than four of his personalities this week, OK? Good luck!"
For my Momma friends out there that do not stick around for VBC, there is a special place in hell for you. I mean, enjoy your free time - you totally deserve it! Here's a peek into a typical day of VBC.
1) The Dump And Run With Music Playing As A Distraction. When you arrive to drop off your little one, we are singing songs and dancing for a solid 30 minutes. This is to muffle out the shrill screams from your children as you leave them with complete strangers for the day. There are also far too many people in this area for them to seek you out. There is no place to run; no place to hide. Saddle up and start singing or it's going to be a long morning!
2) Let's Get Crafty. All of my friends are aware of my crafting skills. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being the worst, I am a -23. If there was an illustration of a 'Richter magnitude scale' of crafting skills hanging on a wall, my prowess level would be a dot about 11 feet away from the scale. Not even on it -- in fact, nowhere near it... It's sad. Real sad. The good news IS that I get to have my break time every morning during crafts - crisis averted.
3) The Adult Breakroom. I want you to look at the three pictures shown below. Review them. Memorize them. What do you see missing?!??! There are two tables dedicated to just food and one table dedicated to drinks. Do you see a liquor and happy pills table?!?!?! Do you see a coffee lounge with a barista taking orders? Exactly. No. No, you don't. The break room is quite spacious. They need to have an area with a keg, a margarita machine, a tray of Xanax, Prozac, & Celexa, and a fully staffed coffee bar. There is PLENTY of room for these additional refreshments. There was a basket in the break area to recommend youth volunteers for special gifts throughout the week. My recommendations were for the break room changes that I would like to see next year.
4) Games and Recreation. This is an activity intended to wear these children out before moving into the rest of their day, There was one major flaw. It was outside in the sweltering heat. I personally stop exercising outside in April when the average temperature starts rising above 85 degrees. I have a really hard time enforcing activities that I would not even partake in myself. The girls in my group would try the daily game once, then go into the shade to play hair salon. The boys in my group would try the game once, then find sticks on the ground. These were then turned into swords to joust with while referring to each other as feces-related words that they had proudly stockpiled into their potty word glossary.
6) Deep Bible Quests. This was certainly a quest every day. A quest into hell, but a quest nonetheless.... We would depart snacks and go watch an interactive play to deepen our kids' understanding of today's bible lesson. From the hall leading into the activity, it was pandemonium. Kids were rolling around on the floor. The blankets that they were asked to sit on were turned into tents, sleeping bags, flags, banners, snake pits, capes, a race flag, a sling, a bandage, a backpack, a scarf, a hood -- you name it, they thought of it. I made a mental note to myself LAST year to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER volunteer in this section. Ever.
7) Kid Vid. This was our final activity for the day. The youth volunteers got to take their break at this time. And, did these critter slaves ever deserve a break! They sprinted into the youth snack room. I could hardly blame them. Poor bastards. The video section was another opportunity for a munchkin riot. There were tables at the back of the room that kids would hide under. They would shout out answers and start random chants for no reason. Needless to say, your ears were ringing by the end of the day.
8) The Youth Volunteers. The Youth Captives. The Youth Slaves. The Youth Workhorses. The Youth Servants. The Youth Jungle Gyms. The Youth Puppets. I cannot say enough positive things about the youth volunteers at VBC. They are the brawn and laborers that sustain alarming abuse from every possible youngster on any given day. They are climbed on, sat on, pulled on, wallered on, flopped on, rolled on, and stood on. They are live dolls for these kids to experiment with in every sense of the word. I would look up and girls would be restyling a youth volunteer's hair. Boys would literally be swinging off of a youth volunteer's body. At any time, these sweet souls would have 4 or more kids piled on top of them. There is no way that I could have made it through this week without their unfailing spirit. I kept waiting to find one of them in a corner weeping and trembling, but it never happened. If a child did not want to walk to their next activity, they would hop onto the youth volunteer express. These young men and women were amazing; I just pray that none of these harrowing circumstances ever scars them for life about having a family of their own one day!
There is no kind of tired quite like VBC Week tired. You might be reading this and thinking that I am a heartless bitch. I can promise you that I am not.... The majority of the children that I was responsible for this week are kids that have been friends with my daughters for several years. There is not another group that I would sacrifice my time and sanity for beyond these wild animals on kiddie crack. The week was long and tiresome, but I would not trade these memories for the world!
There have been a few times in my life that I really, really, really, really, really deserved a drink. Like, after giving birth to Scarlett and requesting that my friends smuggle in Coronas for me at the hospital. Tonight is one of those nights. It is not a recreational drinking situation - it is a necessity!
Cake By The Ocean
Ingredients:
2 cups of cake flavored Vodka
2 cups of Malibu rum
2 cups of pineapple juice
2 cups of orange juice
Club soda (optional)
Instructions (makes a pitcher):
Add vodka, rum, and both juices to a pitcher filled with ice. Add 2-4 cups of club soda to make it more like a punch or to serve more people, if desired. Place some orange slices and pineapple wedges in the pitcher and serve! Cheers!!
