No More Christmas Blues - BOO.

I used to really dread the day after Christmas.  We have nonstop decorations, food, merriment, and fun for months, then, BAM - January.  Y'all - can we all collectively agree that January just blows?!?!?  And, not just kind of blows...  It's like the virgin with a mouthful of braces testing the waters for the first time kind of blows...  January is wretched.  I mean - we went from eating our children's Halloween candy to football party food to Thanksgiving cuisine to nonstop Christmas goodies to... To...  Celery and carrots.  I mean, honestly, what is there to look forward to IN January!?!!??  The four weeks you choose to attend a gym!??!?  The four weeks that you freeze your ass off getting groceries from your car to your house????!  The four weeks that your kids climb the walls and relentlessly torment you out of sheer boredom!?!!?   The four weeks that seem like four months!??!?!  Seriously - name ONE - just one redeeming quality about January!?!??!?  If you're me - it's focusing on the next holiday!!!!!  ** hint, hint - you should be hearing Madonna's 'Holiday' in your head now...  ** As soon as my Christmas stuff comes down, my Valentine's Day goodies go UP! I start thinking on what my girls should bring to their preschool Valentine's parties...  Should it be a cute cookie shaped like conversation hearts?!?!?  Should it be fun-shaped candy that can accompany a cheeky rhyme!?!??  Should I get something for the teachers!?!?!?   Would my girls'  teachers just prefer a monogrammed flask!?!?!?  SO - let's do this!  To help elevate your Christmas blues, let's focus on some cute Valentine card ideas for your kid's classroom parties!  Trust me - I already know what you are thinking - this girl is certifiably bat shit crazy.  Valentine's Day is MONTHS away.  I will deal with that problem later.  BUT...  You're wrong, sister twister...  It is actually only weeks away!   In fact, focusing on this new project might actually help you consume only one bottle of wine a night to get through January instead of two!  I view myself as a holiday cobra just waiting to strike at my next project.  Obviously, I am a female or metrosexual cobra due to my interests, but a cobra ready to strike nonetheless...

** Let me add a disclaimer...  I love finding fun sites that are reasonably-priced and unique!  I'm truly addicted to Minted.com right now because they represent that fine line of being totes precious and not expensive for a truly unique idea **

 1)  Let's start with some charming Valentine cards for your girls to share with their class --

This one would be perfect with a small baggie of rainbow gumballs attached to it!

This one would be precious with a small baggie of heart shaped chocolates attached to it!

This one would be cute with a pair of sunglasses from the Dollar Tree or Target attached to it!

And, this one would be stunning with a ring pop or a candy heart/bracelet in a small baggie attached to it!

2)  NOW...  Onto some cute, but, manly card ideas for the boys in your house to give to their class --

This card would be adorable with a small baggie of Swedish fish attached to it!

This one would be particularly studly with a small baggie of crushed Oreos attached to it to replicate dirt!

Depending on your young man, this one would be fun with either a small heart eraser or heart-shaped candy attached to it!

This one would win over all the boy's hearts with a baseball card or any sports card attached to it!  In fact, you can buy like 20 sports cards in a pack for like $5 from Sports Authority!

3)  Last, but not least, here are some gender neutral ideas if your little one is not set on an overly girly or masculine card to give to their class --

This one would be cutey cute cute cute with a small baggie of crayons attached it it!

This one would look perfect with a baggie of cookies OR a baggie with one Smarties pack and cookies attached to it!

This one would be cute with a baggie of tootsie rolls or a small vehicle of some sort from Dollar Tree attached to it!

These cards are not only perfectly perfect, but they are also very reasonably priced starting at .93 each!  You can get 15 cards for only $14 -- buy a bag of goodies at Dollar Tree to attach to the cards and call it good!  Not to mention, other Moms will compliment you on your cleverness!  Now that we all feel like Mother Of The Millennium, let's learn how to make a Dirty White Mother Cocktail!

Ingredients:
1 1/2 ounce of brandy
1/2 ounce of Kahlua
1/2 ounce of light cream

Pour the brandy and Kahlua into a glass filled with ice.  Then, gently float the cream on top and DRINK!  Cheers, you Dirty Momma!

Mount Me, Frame Me, Call Me...Art.

Women are interesting creatures.  Even though we are raised to be maternal, loving, caring, and kind - we are far more ruthless than men.  Please don't let that pretty innocent face fool you - deep down, there is envy.  It does not matter if it is your absolute best friend in the whole wide world or some stranger that you pass on the street, at some point you have envisioned cutting that perfect necklace off some girl's neck.  You see Betty grace one of your friend's doorways sporting THE perfect plaid with herringbone trim scarf...  You embrace Betty...  You pull back and look at her perfect scarf...  You compliment Betty for her amazing taste and politely ask where she got said scarf glowing around her neck...  Betty giggles and pretends to not remember where she got this plaid miracle perfectly knotted around her...  This is a game...  Betty knows damn well where she got this scarf, and she is not about to tell YOU...  You and Betty snicker...  As you walk away, you think, "Nice scarf, bitch.  Wait until we meet again - I will have the scarf AND the gloves that match."  Oh, what???!?!?  Oh, yes - sorry...  "I can't wait to see you next week at the PTA meeting, too!!!  * you stupid scarf bitch *  And, if one thinks that female accessory envy is bad - it does not even remotely compare to house envy.  Oh, house envy is a whole different level of detest.  The funny thing IS that every woman that walks into any other home other than her own, is going to be engrossed with house envy.  You may have a bigger closet than me, a heated toilet seat, a dog runner in your backyard for your child to be hooked up to while you do laundry, all white cabinets in your kitchen (if you have all white cabinets in your kitchen, I am talking to you bitches...  White cabinet WHORES.)  I'm sorry.  I digress.  My point IS that you need to be a style of your own!  And, some of the simplest and most inexpensive items can make your house an envied home!  One of the things that I have out that I gets TON of compliments on are fingerprint artwork by my children.  There are so many ways that you can jazz these items up - buy a nice frame and put a bow on it!  If it is on a plate, display it on a cake stand in a fancy plate holder.  These items are in no way expensive, but the way you display them can create a true masterpiece!

The items that your children bring home from school look gorgeous in just the right frame!  I literally put my youngest daughter's placemat from her Christmas party in a nice frame that I found on sale, and it looks stunning...  People would never imagine that I had to scrape off frosting and green beans juice off of it as they gaze at it in a frame.  I have a large piece that my oldest daughter made displayed on an easel that I bought at Hobby Lobby in the clearance section.  The simplest touches like a discount frame and burlap bow can really add serious wow factor to your holiday decor!

Now, don't get me wrong...  I am not delusional...  Your children's framed artwork will not quench every ounce of your house envy.  Decor trends come and go.  But, there is no reason for you to spend a fortune!  It is HOW you display it that makes all the difference.  For example, I have been on my husband's jock for months now about a deer mount.  I WANT ONE.  Like, NOW.  Stat.  But, every time I found one, he would balk at the price of a resin deer mount, then would proclaim how much a REAL one would cost in comparison, etc.  Yeah, yeah - whatever.  I want one with FANCY horns.  Men just don't GET IT.  I searched high and I searched low...  And, guess what!?!??!!?  I found my fancy deer mounts AT Big Lots for $16!  SIXTEEN DOLLARS.  My husband still thinks that they are not as nice as a real one, BUT he has a y chromosome defect, so what the hell does he know!?!?!?

Now that we have sufficiently rolled around in female house and accessory envy, let's learn how to make the Seething Jealousy Cocktail!

Ingredients:
1 ounce sweet vermouth
1/2 ounce Scotch
1/2 ounce cherry Brandy
1/2 ounce fresh orange juice

Directions:
1) Place a martini glass or a Cinderella plastic tumbler (whatever you have handy...) in the freezer to chill for 5 minutes.
2) Pour all of your ingredients into a cocktail shaker or like a large, plastic Dollar Tree salad bowl (once again, whatever you have handy...) filled with ice.
3) Shake or mix the ingredients with a spatula for about 35 seconds, then strain it into your glass of choice...  If you need to use your vegetable strainer, you do what is necessary, MacGyver.
4) Now, drink as quickly as possible...  Cheers!!

You Down With OPD??? Yeah - You Know Me

I have OPD (Obsessive Photoshoot Disorder).  I fully admit it.  And, admitting it is the first step, right!??!?!?!  I don't know what the other 11 steps are because I have never gotten that far...  But, I definitely have OPD.  There are three major 'habits' that one needs to have to flourish with OPD.  1)  Create a Pinterest board dedicated to adorable photo sessions and spend hours and hours of time pinning these awesome ideas.  2)  Find a photographer that can handle your neurosis.  This can be tricky...  You want the photographer to not only be talented, BUT also be able to understand your OPD without reporting you for photoshoot abuse to CPS.  3)  You need lots and lots of frames.  Frames in every corner of your house.  But, not just plain ass frames - frames that are in 'season' with your photoshoots.  You are probably thinking that I am crazy and rich.  Who can afford tons of photoshoots and holiday frames all over their home for every season!??!?!?!  This crazy bitch.  I AM crazy.  Very true.  But, not rich...  Many photographers offer 'mini sessions' for reasonable prices - just find one that is both fairly priced and willing to appropriately deal with your OPD.  My photographer made the fatal mistake of giving me both her cell number and added me as a friend on Facebook.  I bet that she regrets these decisions often.  She regularly gets my ideas months in advance of the actual photoshoot and probably thinks - "File that under crazy...  Check."  After you get your amazing photos back, you will need frames...  This is where I come in!  Retail stores love, love, love to charge ridiculous prices for a 'holiday frame' that has a limp bow glued to it.  Forget that - make your own!  I don't mean take a wood shop class to MAKE a frame - I mean buy a frame and slap some holiday stuff on it!

Go to Dollar Tree OR Hobby Lobby (HL's frames are ALWAYS 50% off), and buy a frame!  The above frames all have 'pre-made' wired bows on them with ornaments or bling of some sort hot glued in the center of them!

The above frames either have ornaments hot glued to them OR floral picks minus the stems on them! Some of these frames were literally $1 and some were even found in the deeply discounted aisle at Hobby Lobby.  Who cares if the frame has a chip on it - not only does it give the frame character, but you can also hot glue an item over the said flaw!?!??!!?  Trust me - people will be in awe of your holiday frame collections, and they do not EVER have to know that they were all dirt cheap!  Speaking of being mesmerized, it's time to learn how to make Par-tay Nog!

Par-tay Nog is not just any kind of egg nog - it is my Mimi and Pampa's recipe.  It was, then, passed along to my Mom.  What it is pertinent to know is that my grandparents live in Louisiana and raised their children there...  If you know nothing about Louisiana, you know that no other state creates a week long holiday around a party.  They do not take their parties or booze lightly - if you are old enough to put your quarter on the bar, you can drink; they have drive-thru daiquiri huts that consider a 'closed container' duct tape over the straw; it is perfectly acceptable to drink at brunch, lunch, and dinner every day of the week; learning to drive drunk there is not frowned upon, it is an art.  SO, trust me, when I tell you - Par-tay Nog is not to be taken lightly in any way, shape, form, or fashion.  You serve it knowing that your guests will probably feel numb in their extremities after they consume it!  Here's the recipe (serves 30):

 Ingredients

24 eggs, separated
2 cups of sugar
1 quart of bourbon
1 pint of brandy
1 quart heavy cream
2 quarts of milk
1 quart of vanilla ice cream

Beat the egg yolks and sugar until thick. Add the bourbon and brandy and stir thoroughly. The liquor "cooks" the eggs.  Add the cream and milk and continue whipping...  Break up the ice cream and add it in.  Beat the egg whites until stiff and fold them in... Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes before serving it.  Sprinkle lightly with nutmeg before serving it to your guests!  Cheers!

Slim Is Not A Word To Be Uttered During The Holidays

It's the season of indulgence!  It's the season of baking!  It's the season of merriment and parties!  Along with merriment and parties comes food, glorious food!  It's the season of eating fudge for breakfast and my Pinterest Christmas cookie recipe du jour for dinner...  And, a midnight snack...  And, for breakfast the next morning...  It is the season of stretchy leggings and oversized sweaters - in fact, jeggings, aka Pajama Jeans repackaged, are actually acceptable to wear out in public!  Why, OH WHY, would anyone that is fashionable and clearly knows said fashion rules for the season EVEN utter the word 'slim' before January 1st!?!?!?!?!?  Because slim is IN...  Slim Christmas trees that is...  Speaking of indulgence, I fell in love with the look of slim Christmas trees this year, and I felt that two trees are always better than one, right!?!?!?!?  Look at how stunning this look is...

  

I am telling you - slim trees are all. the. rage.  Your friends, family, and neighbors will ooh and ahhh at your decorating talents if you dare to be bold this year!

If you want to be EVEN more hip - add a deer tree topper!

Invest in an ornate plate holder this season, too.  I had a party at my house last week, and a friend left her cookie tray over here.  I placed it in my fancy plate holder to show how a simple cookie plate can go from functional to fab in an instant!

The same cookie tray on an ordinary plate holder does not have the same effect...  An ornate plate holder will jazz up any platter in your home for any season!  Now - let's make a fun Skinnygirl cocktail to accompany our slim trees!

This awesome adult bevvy is called a Skinnygirl Belle!  Thanks to the amazing Bethenny Frankel, this cocktail is beyond simple!

1 oz Skinnygirl Pina Colada
1 oz Skinnygirl margarita
1 oz apple juice

This drink is low on calories and high on flavor - cheers!!!

BLACK {thumb} FRIDAY

I don't know if you are like me, but I have a black thumb.  Never heard of it?  It is the antithesis of a green thumb.  I was never meant to care for plants because they die under my watch - don't ever ask me to watch your home over the summer inclusive of lawn maintenance.  Ever.  I am pretty sure that as I saunter past the plants in my own yard, they wilt behind me.  Plants quiver with fear as I cruise by them at any nursery or 'garden section' of a Home Depot or Wal-Mart.  The irony in all of this is that we have two of the largest terra-cotta planters ever made by mankind in front of our door on the porch.  Why did I buy those!?!?!  I knew that I could never successfully plant and keep anything living in them?!?!?!?  Was I drunk that day - can never count that one out?  Was it a dare by my husband?  My ailment makes me sad and jealous every day as I patrol by my neighbor's perfectly planted topiaries on the way to my girls' school.  I feel as if THEIR plants are taunting me and singing "This is never gonna be you...  never gonna be you...  never gonna..."  (this tune goes to En Vogue's 'My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It')...  I hear plants like '90's jams best.  I lamented and lamented over this for years...  Until one day, I decided to start putting out 'fake greenery' in both my planters and on my porch during the holiday months.  And, guess what?!?!?  They don't taunt me NOR do they die on me.  In fact, I actually get compliments on my porch decor now!  This post is for YOU, my fellow black thumb Mommas.  Here is how to have a fab holiday porch sans any plants that actually require water, light, or any of your attention.

Guess what those are in my glorious planter?!?!?!?  Christmas floral picks from my favorite place on Earth -- Le Dollar Tree! Side bar - you might think that I live at Dollar Tree.  I don't...  Sadly, the General Manager turned down my request to put out a sleeping bag in the holiday aisle.  Boo.  Back to the planter - how fun and easy is that to buy some holiday floral picks that fancy YOUR taste and arrange them in your planter!?!?!?

Take anything that is already out on your porch and deck it with garland - you can get yards and yards of this stuff at Dollar Tree or Big Lots - be creative with where you put it!

Vintage is IN.  Whether you go over to your grandmother's home and raid her attic, you hit a Flea Market, OR if you are local to DFW and head to Trade Days one weekend - stock up on vintage pieces!  I happen to go to Trade Days in McKinney every month.  I bought that milk jug, those ice skates, and watering can all at Trade Days.  The great thing about Trade Days is that their stuff tends to be cheap AND you can negotiate.  ALWAYS ask if they will take less - I got all three of those pieces for a steal!  All pieces are highlighted by more Dollar Tree floral picks!

Close up of watering can and floral picks...

You know how every year you go into your garage and pull out your Christmas stuff, and there is some stuff that just looks ghetto!?!?!?  You think it's time to retire that limp, sad, half working Christmas tree to Christmas tree heaven...  DON'T!  Put it on your porch!  Last year, I had my ghetto tree in a red wagon; this year I have it in a vintage wheelbarrow...  If you already sent your ghetto tree to Christmas tree heaven, no worries!  Mine was given to me from a neighbor that no longer needed hers, or there are constant posts on garage sites literally giving away half working trees for FREE.  Go get them!  Put them out on your porch - it will add some much character, and it does not require any water, food, or attention!  This is another great opportunity for you to use any of your overage ornaments that you have just stashed in a box in your garage - deck that ghetto tree!  DECK. IT.

Look at ghetto tree looking all ghetto fab at night!  There is a section of it that no longer works, so I have strategically placed garland over it.  The garland covers up the nonworking portions so that ghetto tree is not embarrassed when people drive by and look at her...  Now that we have fully decked our porches with nonliving, maintenance free plants, let's have a drink!

What is more appropriate for a Black Thumb Momma than a Black Currant Cosmopolitan!?!?!?  SO. YUMMY.

2 oz of Vodka
2 oz black currant juice
1 oz orange liqueur
1/2 oz lime juice
1 oz simple syrup

Combine the vodka, black currant juice, orange liqueur, lime juice, and simple syrup in a cocktail shaker and fill it halfway with ice.  Shake vigorously until the outside of the shaker is frosted.  Strain into a glass coated with a sugar rim (add black food coloring to your sugar for some extra panache).  Cheers!

Dollar Tree (literally)

This is my 12th Christmas with my husband.  Our very first Christmas tree that we purchased together at Wal-Mart 11 years ago died on us last year.  The other two trees that we purchased just two years ago at 'another locale' that shall remain nameless ALSO died on us last year!  Death by bulb after only their second Christmas with us!  The lights worked for ONE Christmas?!?!?!?!?!  UM.  Needless to say, when we went to purchase all new trees this year, we went to Wal-Mart!  And...  AND!  After 12 years of begging, my husband finally agreed to buy me a flocked tree!  I love it - I stroll by it every day and talk to it...  Hello, tree friend...  If I could, I would sleep with it at night - I am THAT excited to finally own a flocked tree!  Something else that you should know about me is that I am a trend whore.  I want to be a cool kid.  I make no bones about it!  SO - I was insistent that my new, beautiful flocked tree would be 'hip' this year!  The big trend right now is the 'rustic' look that incorporates deer and antlers.  I headed to the Dollar Tree.  Lo and behold - every ornament that one could ever need to be fan-rustically fabulous this year is AT the Dollar Tree!  Ironically, I realized after decorating my new tree that it was in fact a "Dollar Tree'.

There she is - flocked Dollar Tree!

A close up of a couple of my DT ornaments - gold glitter deer and glitter pine cones...  All of the ornaments that I bought this year came in a 2, 4, or even 5 pack!

I loved mixing the gold deer with the red deer along with the pine cones!

The options for the deer ornaments are full reindeer OR just the deer head in multiple colors - feel free to choose what colors fancy you to mix in with the pine cone ornaments!

I also find that as the years march on, I end up with an overage of ornaments....  What on Earth should I do with them??!?!?!  I went to IKEA and purchased this inexpensive basket.  I fill it up every Christmas with leftover ornaments that I have - this year I threw in a few pine cones that I bought in a large bag at Dollar Tree and an antler that I bought at a flea market for $8!
I must say that now that I am doing this blog along with all of my parenting duties, I have been quite busy!  It is winter time, so I kind of let my leg shaving obligations slide any how...  BUT, I realized today that I have not done any upkeep for at least a week - I look super sexy!  In honor of all of us ladies that let our hair grooming obligations slide either because it is winter time, you are pregnant, or you are just lazy, let's learn how to make a Dirty Hairy Monkey Cocktail!

1 ounce dark rum, 1 ounce light rum, 1 ounce banana Schnapps, 1 ounce Kahlua, 6-7 ice cubes, chocolate syrup. and a banana for garnish

1) Add the rums, Schnapps, Kahlua, and ice into a blender.  Blend until smooth.
2) Coat the inside of a glass with chocolate syrup and pour the drink inside.
3) Garnish with a banana slice!

Not only does this drink taste fabulous, but after a few of them, you and your significant other won't even care about how long it has been since you shaved those legs!  Cheers!

It Only Takes A Dollar To Make This Girl Holler (for joy)

OK, OK, it's actually $1.07 after you include tax, but that just doesn't sound nearly as catchy!??!!??  SO - the hot trend this Christmas season is the reindeer!  I mean - deer and antlers EVERY.WHERE.  I am loving it!  Now - run, don't walk - to your nearest Dollar Tree and buy this fab glitter reindeer decoration that I bought just two days ago!  It comes in both red and silver, and I cannot tell you how many options there are with this one unbelievably precious glitter deer!  In fact, in retrospect, I should have bought all 20 of the ones that they had in stock, and glared at any women that came remotely close to my cart.  Check out all the fun things that you can easily do with this $1 (and seven cents) glitter reindeer to add moxie to your holiday decor!

There he is in all his glory - Glitter George - awaiting the opportunity to enhance and brighten your holiday spirit...

1)  You can use him to accent your holiday mantle!

2)  You can use him to spruce up any wreath you have out on display!

3)  You can use him to enhance any display hutch, china cabinet, or piece of furniture that you feel could some extra Christmas spirit!

4)  You can use him to supplement any mirror in your home!  He could even be hung on a mirror in your guest bathroom for all your friends to drool over as they scrub their holiday hands in your sink!

5)  You can even use him to top off your Christmas tree!  In fact, Double G (Glitter George) would even look fabulous as a tree topper for your tree this year!  Seriously - the options with him are ENDLESS!  As I am typing this, I am getting this overwhelming urge to just hop into my car and start hitting every local Dollar Tree for all of their Double G's!   I knew that I should have bought at least 5 red and 5 silver George's when I had the chance...  That is SO at the top of my list for tomorrow - multiple Dollar Tree's - check, check...  After all this decorating, I feel that I deserve a fabulous adult bevvy, and I know just the one to make!

Here it is in all it's frugal glory - Kool-Aid cocktails (aka Crunk Juice)...  This recipe is for a Kool-Aid Sangria to serve at your next party!  Your guests will love it!  The recipe calls for 2 bottles of inexpensive red wine (preferably a merlot or cabernet), 1/2 cup of sugar, 1 packet of unsweetened lemon lime Kool-Aid, and 1 packet of unsweetened orange Kool-Aid.  The key to keeping your party classy is to serve the crunk juice in a really fancy beverage dispenser, and your guests will be none the wiser.  Voila - your bartending AND decorating skills are at a whole new level!  Cheers!