Dear Target, I Still Love You...

     A lot of people are angry at Target.  Some of my friends cannot even utter a word about the store without dropping expletives.  And, to be clear...  By expletives, I mean the word 'fuck'.  Bringing up Target in a friendly discussion amongst your circle of pals is considered JUST AS controversial as asking someone if they are 'pro-life' or 'pro-choice'.  Or, inquiring about which dumb ass that they will be voting for in November.  You fear that you might be flogged in public if you admit where you bought your groceries this week.  And, you have to be fully alert and prepared at all times should a leading question come across your radar.
"Girl, I love that dress - where did you get it?!??" 

"This old thing??? Target. But, you know, a few years ago at Target. Not last Tuesday or anything -- not recent Target. God no.  In fact, it could have even been the mall. Not really sure?!???? Target - ew." 

The disdain is epic.  

      Let's be honest... Target has been a naughty monkey. Two Christmas seasons ago, there was the severe security breach. Countless people had their credit cards hacked and had fraudulent, crazy ass charges put on them. Most of which seemed to be porn-related things out of Europe?!?!?!  I was not really surprised that credit card thieves also had an interest in purchasing a chimp that could operate a video camera along with their ass-less, fringed leather chaps.  Can you imagine their interests list on social media?!?!?  Hiking, swimming, pottery making, leather goods, fringed attire, crotchless panties, trained primates, AV equipment, hacking website pamphlets, Marilyn Manson, furry love cuffs, origami art, and sunsets.

     It was all over the news for an eternity. In fact, quite a few of MY personal friends were even affected.  It caused a serious system-wide meltdown rippling across banks, credit card companies, personal wallets, etc. I can remember friends saying that their credit cards were declined if they were traveling or the purchase was considered 'unusual activity'. At Christmas - people travel and buy atypical items every day. It was bargain shopping Russian roulette. Chaos. Anarchy. Bedlam. My favorite hobby was tarnished. My sanctuary had a blemish. Why couldn't it have been like Dick's Sporting Goods?!??!? I never go there. In fact, I can safely say that I have never bought a single item from there. Dick's would have been a far more convenient mark for a security heist. Why didn't these hackers consult me first?!!!? 

     More recently, Target made the proclamation about their new transgender bathroom policy. I distinctly remember exclaiming, "OH come ON, Target!" when I heard the story on the news for the first time. Not because I was bothered by their decision but because it was so soon after their last indiscretion. Could they not have waited a good 5 years before rocking the boat again?!?? Now my Facebook feed is filled with anti-Target posts and petitions. Even Pinterest has pins circulating with pictures of Target stores enveloped in flames burning to the ground with cheerful families roasting marshmallows over the blaze. 

     For me, I will never stop loving Target. They are that cute, fluffy puppy that just destroyed your shoe. You want to stay angry, but you just can't. The credit card issue was a pain in the ass, but they bent over backwards to entice shoppers to come back. They even profusely apologized - and, meant it. The bathroom policy is just a proactive measure of acceptance. The world is ever changing and everyone deserves the right to recognition. And, I want MY children to always respect others. I want to raise them with love in their heart - inclusive of love for a complete stranger. 

     I can remember the very first time that Ashlyn met a man dressed as a woman. It was her 4th Birthday party weekend, and we were picking up her Birthday balloons from the Party City off of 75 here in McKinney. The person blowing up our balloons was a man in full-blown makeup and sporting a pony tail. You could distinctly tell that it was a man. She knew that it was a man. She looked him square in the eye as he handed the balloons to her, and she said -- "You look beautiful. I love your lipstick." You could tell that it made his day. He profusely thanked her, and I concurred with my daughter.  I was proud of her. I told her as much when we got into the car to head home. She had a lot of questions, but I simply told her that it is imperative to be kind no matter what - always be kind.

     I watch my kids like a hawk. I tend to be a helicopter Mom in parking lots and bathrooms. I always go to the bathroom with them at a restaurant or in a store. I wait for the family bathroom to become available or I squeeze all of us into a stall together. I do not foresee this practice ending any time in the near future.  

     I also watch A LOT of Dateline episodes. The mental image that the public has of a 'pervert' does not exist.  I even took a class on sexual deviants before I could volunteer at my kids' school functions. The people that are going to prey on your child look and behave completely normal. They are the people that you would never guess to be 'the bad guy'. In fact, this is completely intentional. This is how they remain under the radar and continue their path of destruction and abuse. The best way that you, as a parent, can combat this issue is through education. You need to talk to your kids about red flags and inappropriate behavior. And, I hate to tell you this, BUT…  I can guarantee you that your kids are more at risk of facing an evil force at a park, a church, a school, or a even sleepover at a friend's house FAR before they would in a Target bathroom!

     I am not trying to be political.  Or, start another petition.  Or, even be a pain in the ass.  I am here to tell you that you would be forever sad if you were to miss out on Target's 4th of July goods.  They literally hit it out of the park this year!  Both their decor AND attire are not only affordable but ALSO to. die. for. adorable!  Let's do this -- follow me to Target and be Independence Day-alicious this summer with us!!!!

1) If you love preppy...  Target has these soft red, white, and blue billowy dresses with a fun madras flair!

2)  If you prefer the trendy boho chic look...  I matched these adorable patriotic crochet vests with some crisp white dresses with lace detailing! 

3)  If you are leaning towards the cute sundress look...  The maxi dress on Ash is simple but precious with thin, bow adorned spaghetti straps on top.  Scarlett's dress is a precious red, white, and blue floral print with a lace halter on the top and lace trim on the bottom!

4)  If you are into some nontraditional fun...  Scarlett's maxi dress is a darling red, white, and blue bandana print - LOVE!!  It reminds me of the days when I used to wear Harold's wrap skirts in college!  Ash is wearing a fun red floral print dress with a  bomb pop vest!

5)  The dress that Ash has on is a fun use of a tulle overlay.  The top is blue with white stars and the bottom is solid red with a soft white overlay - even cuter in person!  I matched Scarlett's bomb pop vest with a navy and white dress to show that it would look cute over a red dress, a blue dress, or even a white one!  

6)  For the loose bohemian maxi and lace combo -- go with these dresses!  They can pass for both dressy and casual by simply changing out the shoes and hair!

6)  For 150% casual, they have this precious top and shorts set AND this tank and skirt set!  

If you have zero interest in the precious patriotic outfits this season, then you will undoubtedly want to check out Bullseye's Playground (the world renowned Target Dollar Spot).  I cannot even describe to you the adrenaline rush that I experienced when I happened upon their 4th of July decor!  One word -- orgasmic.

1)  They have two large pallet selections.  A large American flag pinned into a pallet OR a pallet shaped like our country with the words "Land That I Love" engraved in it.

2)  They literally have linen banners galore.  It really just depends on which one truly suits your taste.

3)  They also have a cute wooden star banner.  You can buy this and use it in a couple of ways.  It looked great hanging on my mantle OR as a patriotic filler for my dough bowl on my entry hall table.

4)  Last, but certainly not least, they have a few precious burlap pillow selections.  Like a moron, I only bought one and now I am on the hunt to find the others that I foolishly deserted one day.  If you see ANY of these pillows, buy them, DAMMIT, BUY. THEM.

  

What would the 4th of July be - or, the fate of my blog for that matter - if we were not star spangled hammered to honor those that proudly serve our country?!?!?!  Here is a super fun spin on getting your drink on for the upcoming 4th of July holiday!

Buzzed Cherry Bombs 

1)  Soak Maraschino cherries in vanilla vodka overnight.

2)  Gently pat dry.

3)  Melt white chocolate chips (found on baker's aisle).

4)  Buy blue sprinkles and pour into a bowl.

5)  Dip the vodka soaked cherries into the melted white chocolate, then in the blue sprinkles.

6)  Enjoy and CHEERS!!!

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How Can I Possibly Celebrate Mother's Day Without My Mom?!??!?!?

     I think that you would be hard pressed to find someone that does not think the world of their Mom.  Your Mom is your protector - your light.  My Mom was far more than that - she was truly exceptional.  In high school, she was a championship swimmer on the swim team, she was a championship debater (my understanding is that she and her debate partner were dubbed Swick and Prick - absolutely ruthless), she was President of the National Honor Society, she was Captain of the high school pep squad, was student of the month, and was even the speaker at her high school graduation.   In college, she was an officer in Chi Omega, was a double major, and hit the Dean's list every semester.  She graduated from college magna cum laude.

     Here's the kicker - she had me IN college. At 19, she found out that she was pregnant with me. She was a junior in college at the time - her intelligence had afforded her the opportunity to skip a grade in elementary school. She literally did not skip a beat. She still graduated in 4 years - in fact, one semester she had to take 22 hours to graduate on time, and she STILL made the Dean's list. 

     I cannot remember a moment in my childhood that wasn't wondrous. She was my Girl Scout leader, involved in PTA, a room Mom, my brother's Den Leader, and we were always busy. She never missed a recital of mine. She never missed a baseball or football game that my brother played in. 

     I was raised to believe that every Birthday was a time of celebration. It was to be memorialized in an annual grandiose manner no matter what. You always got your favorite cake made from scratch along with a deluge of gifts. This tradition did not end when you left the nest. I can remember my Birthday falling on the last week of college every year, and she always greeted me with a cake when they came to move me out for the summer. As an adult, I still got a homemade cake mailed to me. She would write on the shipping box 'Please Shake The Contents Profusely' & this cake would arrive in shambles in the lidded cake pan. As always, plates, napkins, forks, and party hats were also included. 

     Holidays were also a big occasion in our house.  I don't mean just the decorations. It was a full-on Tuffly brouhaha every. single. year. My Mom did nothing - not one thing - half ass in her life. At Halloween, she would dress up as a wicked witch and sit on the front porch swing. She was a spooky crocodile lying in wait for children to trick or treat at our house so that she could scare the crap out them. She would ALSO wear her roller skates to chase them down the sidewalk. She took improv to a whole new art form. At Christmas, she baked enough to feed a third world country. My brother and I always assisted her in the kitchen. She also made amazing homemade toffee that she would lovingly mail out to friends and family in Christmas tin containers. Her house had about 15 Christmas trees in assorted shapes and sizes throughout the many rooms. Every room also had a 'theme'. My bedroom was Angels, the formal dining room was deer, David's bedroom was Snowmen, the guest bedroom was bears... The bathrooms were not even given reprieve from the Christmas decadence. You get the gist. She also took the time to send out a Christmas letter in her cards every year. The kicker WAS that her letter talked about all of the drama that occurred in her world that year. She got great pleasure out of making fun of her husband and kids - some of it blown way out of proportion and some of it completely factual. The recipients never knew what was true and what was a bit dramatized for effect. 

     She had a gift with everything that she put her hands on. I can remember one year begging for a poodle skirt. I think that there had been some type of 50's theme function at school, and I became obsessed with that era. True to her nature, she went and bought the pattern to make me one. Voila - a grey poodle skirt with pink trim was made for my recreation.  One year, I desperately wanted a ‘Christmas tree’ sweater.  This was FAR before the advent of Eagles Eye Christmas sweaters that were all the rage in the ‘90s.  My Mom bought me a sweater and painstakingly sewed on a tree bedazzled by hand and adorned it with ornaments and garland.  It was gorgeous - truly stunning!   I took French in high school.  I am thrilled beyond measure to tell you that that was such a novel idea on my part.  My French skills have come in SO handy living here in Texas.  Yeah.  I use it every day.  I don’t think that I would have ever made it this far in life without this language skill.  I digress, ahem... For French 3, I had to give a presentation and create a work of art to present with it.  I chose to speak about the Arc De Triomphe.  My Mom actually baked and designed a cake that was a duplicate of this structure.  A mini scale model of this amazing monument in Paris.  It was like I lived with Martha Stewart and MacGyver under one roof.
    She was also a very active member in Midland society.  She volunteered her time - countless hours to multiple charity efforts.  She was both the President and the Treasurer of the Midland Chi Omega Alumnae Chapter over the years.  She was completely ruthless on a tennis court - she played to WIN.  She was also very heavily involved in the Methodist church that they attended. The couple’s Sunday School class my parents were in took turns bringing breakfast for the group every Sunday.  Most couples would grab some donuts on the way there to serve.  Not my Mom.  Oh NO.  She would arrive with a homemade build your own eggs benedict bar and chocolate dipped strawberries -- all from scratch.  
     The best adjective that you could have used to describe my Mom would have been fun - beyond fun in an unconventional way. On those days when parents were invited to join their kids for lunch in the school cafeteria, my Mom would arrive with Wendy's or even Pizza Hut. Every other parent there would grimace at their tray in front of them covered in lunch lady cuisine and wish that they had thought of the same plan. As our Girl Scout leader, she would allow us to have regular sleepovers at our house. For these party nights, she would go to Sam's and buy the bulk size of cheap toilet paper so that we could go wrap houses. She was that young, hip Mom that was always in the latest fashionable attire and would pull up to the school to pick us up blaring the Back To The Future soundtrack or the Phil Collins Sussudio tape from her station wagon. She was the Mom that would wear a matching sweatsuit to mine donned in puffy paint. She was the Mom that did a date night every month with me. We would always go to Shoguns, then a movie. She was the Mom that always took us to Water Wonderland in the summer. She was the Mom that came into Dallas for girls' weekends with my friends and I! One time, I picked her up at the airport & we headed straight to the Pappadeux's bar with my friend, Noelle. She was even the Mom that would rent a limo and stock it with booze when we were adults to go look at Christmas lights together as a family. Fun was her middle name.
    When I was in high school, she made the decision to return to work.  The majority of my family on both my maternal and paternal side are in the oil and gas industry.  This is a very male dominant profession.  She was ALSO on the computer and technical arm of this world.  In that era, she was in the vast minority compared to men in this sector.  It did not phase my Mom one bit.  She rose to the top of the oil company that she worked for as the Director of Technical Services.

     This amazing woman - Mother, wife, friend, volunteer, Christian, employee - was taken from us 11 years ago in a tragic car accident.  I was harshly bitter about this for many, many years.  None more so than when this time of year rolls around every year.  You see, I was actually born ON Mother’s Day - my Birthday happened to fall on that Sunday making it even more special for her.  Today - this day - was OURS.  She celebrated me and I celebrated her.  The anguish that I felt only intensified when I had children.  Why can’t she be here with me?  Why did she miss the opportunity to be a grandmother?  Why can’t I share this joy with her?  A couple of years ago, I caught myself retracing our traditions.  Our annual bond.  In that moment I got it.  She IS here.  She lives within me.  She guides every step that I take as a Mom.  I stopped grieving and started celebrating her.  If you have lost your Mom, I beseech that you follow the same path.  Instead of fighting your feelings, embrace them.  These are moments that you will never get back with your children - make sure that your Mom is there holding your hand every step of the way.  She’s there.  I promise you, she IS there. 

My very first Easter -- 1977

My very first Christmas -- 1976

My second Easter -- 1978

My very first Texas A&M football game -- 1980

Thanksgiving in Houston -- 1981

The annual Christmas Midland Chi O Alumnae Mother/Daughter Tea

Christmas in Midland -- 1983

(PS - I can't get over the resemblance between my little brother and Scarlett!!)

My Chi Omega initiation weekend into the Xi Kappa Chapter -- 1995

My Mom even came with HER two pledge sisters/best friends from college for my initiation - talk about one helluva PAR-TAY -- 1995

Easter Shenanigans -- 2003

Christmas in Lafayette, LA at Mimi and Pampa's house -- 2004

Her professional picture headshot for the company's website, etc. -- 2005

She always wanted to be called 'Gimmy' - we love you more than you know and think of you every day, Mom!  I just know that you are the Social Director in Heaven!  

To honor my Mom, let's learn how to make her very favorite adult beverage in the world - the infamous Brandy Alexander!  ** She had such an affinity for this drink that she even named my first dog, a Cocker Spaniel, Brandy Alexander! **

Ingredients:

2 cups of vanilla ice cream

1 1/2 ounces (a shot) of Brandy

1 1/2 ounces (a shot) of Kahlua 

Instructions:

Put all ingredients into a blender and blend until smooth!  Cheers and Happy Mother's Day!

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I Suffer From PKRSD

     I have PKRSD. It's a real condition. Post Kinder Roundup Stress Disorder. Like 57.5% of the population suffer from this ailment - it's legit. I would never make up a stupid acronym because I am feeling sorry for myself. I saw this on Dr. Phil. About 1% of the population is even at risk of death from PKRSD. 

     I am a neurotic person. I legitimately have severe anxiety. Don't worry - I am on really good meds. 'Be good pills' as my friend, Noelle, calls them. My Suburban should have a Celexa bumper sticker on it with a Nike swoosh underneath it. I tend to worry and over-obsess about completely mundane activities. 

     I am ALSO blessed with a Type AAA personality. If I am thinking it, I will say it. I have verbal diarrhea issues. I can't help myself - it pains me not to impart my knowledge on others - always in a ridiculously loud voice. What if the people down the hall also want to know my opinion?!?! I can't do lines or patiently waiting of any sort. Ever. If I see a line - anywhere - I die a little inside. I have to pick up my children early from preschool every day. The thought of waiting behind the overtly chatty Mom for 5 minutes as she asks about her child's day makes my eye twitch. It shouldn't bother me as I am the worst offender of this scheme. I probably take up 10 minutes of the teacher's time. 

     As you can imagine, I do not do change well. The thought of the same daily routine comforts me. I would have been an ideal candidate for the military - you know, minus the rigorous physical requirements and the whole getting up before 7:15 am thing. Oh, and living on a base without easy access to a mall or Super Target. Ohhhhhhh, and being told what to do. Yeah - no.  Beyond all of that - solid military career person right here. The same activity - day in and day out - makes me so at ease. 

     Having said all of that - unfortunately, my oldest child also does not handle change of any kind well. She has been prepping this entire school year for Kindergarten in the Fall. She even has a fun song memorized about entering Kinder next year that she joyfully sings to me every day. As far as she and I were both concerned, we had this in the bag. We were ready! I had compulsively collected all necessary documents required to enroll her for Kinder weeks prior to the actual date that they were due. I even showed up at the school at 8:30 on the dot the very first day that registration started. In fact, Ashlyn was the very first person to be enrolled in Kinder at her school for next year! I should buy a cape! Not because I am Mom Of The Year - God no. Because I am Captain Obsessive. I excel at it. 

    Then, today came. It was Kindergarten Roundup day. As I walked into the school - this unknown universe - I had an immediate knot in my stomach. The minute we hit the door, she was ushered off to do story time in the library as I toured the school. She looked panic stricken as she entered the library. I had seen that look before - 4 years ago when I dropped her off at preschool for the first time. The tour could not have ended fast enough. I was feeling overwhelmed & regretting my decision not to hide a flask in my purse. As I went into the library, I saw her sitting way in the back - her eyes were the size of saucers. She looked immediately at ease when I stood behind her. When the story ended, she rushed up to me and just stood there with her arms around me. I knew that we were both having the exact same emotions about this impending change - fear. 

     I bravely put a smile on my face as I drove her to school this morning. I took her into her class - taking in the familiarity of this preschool that has been our home for four years. When I got into my car, I just sat there & cried. I can remember having a busy two year old at home not all that long ago and rolling my eyes when my friends posted about how much they cried the first day of Kindergarten. I remember distinctly saying that I could not wait for her to be in Kinder because that would mean more free time for me! I would do a leprechaun side kick as I left the elementary school on that first day. I even had my outfit and the bar that I would head to after drop off all planned out. Well, that day of reckoning is almost here, and I am not ready. I thought that I was - I'm not. 

     When I picked her up from school today, her teacher mentioned that she had not been herself. She had a tough day. When we got home this afternoon, I held her and we cried together. Reality has hit. This is happening. True to Captain Obsessive nature, my mind started racing... If sending her to Kinder is this hard, how the fuck am I going to handle her going off to college?!?? That is only 13 years from now. I will pick up Collin County Community College pamphlets tomorrow. I better encourage that now. 

     I realize that I am neurotic. I realize that I am obsessive. I realize that I am a control freak. I realize that I am getting marginally closer and closer to menopause. I realize that I may possibly need more meds with a tequila chaser in my future. But - these are our people. I have laughed and cherished the trials and tribulations of raising young humans with friends, teachers, classmates, and the staff at her preschool for four years. This place is a second home. I know that there are so many more memories to come and life will move on. But, for now... For tonight, this Mom needs a seriously stiff drink!  Possibly even a Marlboro Light...  Dammit - why didn't I think of that earlier today?!?!?!?!

      

Pina Colada Sangria

Ingredients:

2 bottles of Moscato wine

20 ounce can of crushed pineapple, juice and pineapple

1 1/2 cups of Malibu rum

Instructions:

Combine all ingredients in a large pitcher.  Refrigerate overnight and serve chilled.  Cheers!

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