Happy Apocalypse - Errrrrr - Easter

I think that we can all agree that social media is the premiere way to advertise.  It always suckers ME in...  A few weeks ago, one of my really good friends clicked that she would be attending an egg hunt event, and it popped up in my main feed.  It was not just ANY egg hunt mind you - it was a helicopter egg drop hunt.  What the what!?!??!?!  So many things started swirling through my mind....  Would they have an Easter Bunny piloting the helicopter?  After all of the eggs are dropped, would they pop open all over the field with candy flying everywhere?  I have personally done so many egg hunts myself that I happen to know that simply tossing them across a bush at the wrong angle can cause them to pop open.  Would kids be held to a specific amount of eggs per basket?  Where would they find a location big enough?  I started reading the details and noticed that it was a church sponsored event.  To this point, I have only done small egg hunts with my two girls with friends, family, neighbors, and their preschool.  Since this egg hunt had such a cool factor AND was clearly a Christian event, it would be just like the dozen or so other egg hunts that we had been to over the past few years.  Right?!?!?!?  Ahem.  One of my three friends going to this coveted event texted me yesterday morning, and we agreed on a time to meet.  The actual egg drop started at 3:00, but we opted to arrive at 2:30 for an optimal spot in the field for our kids.  The afternoon started out sociable enough with people honking and glaring at me because I was taking too long to retrieve my kids out of the car.  I mean, how dare I block a public thoroughfare with my door for more than 30 seconds.  The enjoyment continued as I was honked at even more vigorously because I chose to stand in a spot for my friend so that her car could be by mine.  My manners were being questioned because I chose to park blocks away from the church on a neighborhood street and was attempting to save a space by my SUV.  You would have thought that I was parked right next to the church by gaging these individuals' reactions to me waiting on my space thief partner in crime.  I had my children with me.  These mannerly souls ALSO had their children in tow.  I briefly had to remind myself that we were going to an egg hunt and not an Insane Clown Posse concert.  My friend arrived, and we started the ingratiating trek to the church grounds.  The warm hospitality oozed from the rest of the public trying to reach the same destination.  The jeers and impatient halts as we crossed the street with our children was really heart warming - I couldn't wait to see what else this day had in store for us.  As we got closer to the field, we heard a man's voice blaring over the loud speaker giving instructions.  The little ones were to go in the first egg drop round.  The booming voice kept instructing the masses to allow all of the wee ones to come forward into the holding pen.  My buddy and I slowly started to weave to the front of this crowd.  After all, this is what we had been advised to do since we had children that were under the age of 4 in our care.  The mob was ruthless.  There was pushing, shoving, complaining, whining, exasperated sighing, and an overall impatient vibe leering in the air.  And, I won't even mention how the kids were behaving...  The thunderous male voice echoed out again across the loud speaker asking that all toddlers make their way up to the pen for the first egg drop.  We began delicately weaving our way up to this destination.  It took several minutes to move mere inches.  I ceased movement altogether when an adult woman turned and nastily shouted - "MA'AM, I have NO clue where YOU think YOU'RE going, BUT you better stop right there."  The sweet Mom apprehensively replied - "I am just trying to get my two year old up to the pen per the instructions."   The Mom Beast then viciously scorned her for her attempts to move past her and announced - "Yeah, well, we ALL have kids with us.  I don't know what makes you SO special."  The poor girl just stopped in her tracks - defeated and shocked.  I turned to my friend and told her that we should just stay put.  I was rather concerned that this Mom in front of us had a shiv in her purse.  If not, she had no problem using her crocheting needles on us should we enter her domain.  Fortunately, the Mom with me is one of my dearest friends, so we just stood there and made the best of it.

Our kids were making hats with their baskets.  One child had to use the bathroom, so we emptied out my bubble gum container so that he could urinate in it.  MacGyver's got nothing on a Mom in a DEFCON potty situation.  Things were looking up for this adventure minus the sweltering heat, sweaty bodies shoved up against us, the sound of "Mommy, when will the helicopter be here?" on perpetual repeat, stranger's baskets shoved into my back and legs, cell phones in my face as other patrons were trying to take pictures, and my unbroken plea for my kids to get up off the ground.  Then, we heard redemption.  The helicopter was heading toward us!  Excitement filled the air as it began to circle above!

The Wizard of Oz voice blared out on the loud speaker yet again.  The helicopter would not drop any eggs until everyone got off of the grass.   It flew over several times awaiting the signal to begin unloading it's Easter treasures.  The crowd was full of restless exuberance.

Finally, after several agonizing minutes, the eggs began to drop.  After dropping a couple of bags, the mob starting asking - "Is that it?  That's NOT enough!  What is that - 400 eggs?"  The level of competitive spirit got flipped to Mach Five.  When we were finally allowed to enter the field to collect eggs, the populace raced out to grab them.  It was anarchy.  I personally watched multiple parents allow their much older children try to enter the field.  They had to have staff stopping these parents and their kids clearly trying to cheat.  By the time we made it onto the grass, nothing was left.  The carnage was like no other.  There were cries of pain.  The air smelled of smoke, dust, sweat, and death.  Chaos enveloped the field.   Children were screaming loudly and rolling on the ground.  It was an utter maze of destruction.  It was a cemetery in the making - not even a half of a plastic egg was to be found.  It was like a blackhole had devoured everything that had been on the ground in it's path.  As I looked around at the open field of victims, I vowed to never be a casualty of an egg hunt gone wrong ever again.  If I ever choose to participate in a public egg hunt again, I will arrive with my own ammo/artillery and do a proper reconnaissance of the perimeter.  I will carry my own stuffed eggs in my purse to throw out just as my children touch the designated grassland.  I refuse to be a casualty of PTSD at another egg hunt ever again!

We realize that it was not the church's fault.  It was an overwhelming crowd that had not been anticipated.  I later learned that the egg drop had to be stopped altogether right after we left.  The horde refused to listen to the instructions and requests by the staff.  We decided to memorialize the event by having our kids yell - "NO EGGS!!" in the picture by the event sign.  As a reward for their heroic bravery and maturity over adults yesterday, we rewarded all of our kids with Bahama Bucks.  The good news IS that I now know what to expect if our economy ever collapses and martial law is implemented thanks to this egg hunt.  Thanks for the trial run, humans of North Dallas.  It's just a bunch of plastic eggs, right!??!?  Oh - and, Happy Easter!

As you can imagine, I came home yesterday afternoon in desperate need of a drink!  Here's a simple, refreshing, and yummy cocktail to enjoy on Easter and throughout the summer!

Raspberry Beer Cocktail

Ingredients:

1 cup of frozen raspberries

4 bottles of Corona beer, chilled

1 container frozen raspberry lemonade concentrate, thawed (or, pink lemonade)

1/2 cup of Vodka

Directions:

In a large container, stir the four ingredients together. Serve over ice.

  

Elementary Easy Easter Edibles

Easter will be here in days - mere days!  I always love perusing for new recipes.  If I find one that suits my fancy, BUT has more than like 6 steps, it's just not going to happen!  Ever.  I'm BUSY.   I always investigate past the pretty finished baked product - looks good, BUT how many steps are we talking here?!?!?!?  I will know within 20 seconds after I see the list of instructions.  If I have to scroll down even a smidgen, then that recipe is just not for moi.  PASS.  But - I have some truly AMAZING Easter goody recipes that are not only delectable, but are on an elementary baking level for all my busy Momma friends.  I relish easy recipes.  HOWEVER, I have a massive ego.  So said recipes need to be so exclusive that when I bring them to an event people think that I am Martha Stewart.  Like, I really want to be compared to her or Paula Deen.  You can pull me aside or say it in front of a group of gawkers - I am happy to hear it either way.  I want to revel in my simple recipe glory.  You will love the prestige, as well.  Ready to be a Super Cook this Sunday?!?!?!  Get your capes out, Mommasitas!

1)  Two Ingredient Ham:

Ingredients:
1 butt-portion ham (approximately 6-9 lbs); note - ask for the butt cut instead of the shank cut
3 cups of light brown sugar

Directions:
Remove ham from plastic wrap, also remove plastic circle that is covering the bone.
Cover the bottom of the crockpot with a good layer of brown sugar (I used 1 and 1/2 cups).
Place the ham face (flat side) down in the crockpot.
Cover the top of the ham with the remaining brown sugar.
Cover with lid (OR, tightly cover with foil if the lid doesn't fit).
Cook on low for 8-10 hours or on high for 6-8 hours.
Flip the ham in the last hour or two to ensure that the top of the ham is allowed time to also soak in the juices.
Remove the ham from the crockpot when ham easily falls apart.  It will be SO moist that it will literally FALL OFF the bone.  
Pull the ham apart (being extra careful not to burn your fingers) to separate the meat from the fat and bone.
  

2) Ritz Pineapple Casserole

Ingredients:

2 16 ounce cans of pineapple chunks, drained

6 Tablespoons of flour

1 cup sugar

2 cups of grated cheddar cheese

1 stick of butter, melted

1 pack of Ritz crackers (crushed) ** don't crush to uniform size bits; leave some larger than others **

Directions:

Pour drained pineapple into a 9x13 dish

Mix sugar and flour and evenly sprinkle it over the pineapple

Layer the grated cheese, then the crackers over the top

Pour melted butter over the dish

Bake 350 for 30 minutes

This dish is sweet and tangy and is meant to be served with ham - like, seriously - PURE HEAVEN

3)  Green Bean Bundles 

Ingredients:

4 15 ounce cans of of whole green beans -- not "cut" and not "french style"

Bacon strips cut in half (I use my kitchen scissors)

1 cup melted butter

1 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 tsp garlic salt

1 tsp soy sauce

Directions:

Gather 10 beans into a bundle.  Wrap bacon around the beans and secure with a toothpick.  Arrange in a 9x13 pan.

Combine melted butter, brown sugar, garlic salt, and soy sauce in a bowl.  Mix well.  Pour over the beans.

Chill overnight or for several hours.  Bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes to an hour or until the bacon is thoroughly cooked.

** My family is all about meal traditions, so when my Mom made these one year for Christmas, there was almost a riot - picket signs and all.  BUT, they are AMAZING!  And, we begged her to make them for EVERY holiday meal going forward **

4)  Malted Milk Easter Dip

Ingredients:

1 8 ounce block of cream cheese, softened

1 cup of powdered sugar

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup malted milk powder

1/2 cup of crushed malted Easter eggs candy

1 cup of heavy whipping cream

Directions:

In a small bowl, beat the heavy whipping cream until soft peaks form.  Set aside.

Whip the cream cheese in a mixer until smooth. Continue mixing while slowly adding the powdered sugar.  

Also mix in the vanilla and the malted milk powder.

Then, fold the whipped heavy cream and the crushed malted eggs into the cream cheese mixture.

Cover and chill for an hour before serving.

Serve with honey graham sticks, Nilla wafers, or pretzels.

5)  White Chocolate Carrot Cake

Ingredients:

1 box of carrot cake mix (plus ingredients called for on back of box)

1 small box (3.4 ounce) of white chocolate pudding mix

1 can of sweetened condensed milk

1 3/4 cups of milk

Directions:

Preheat the oven per directions on the back of the cake mix box.

Prepare the cake mix as instructed on the box.  If you swap out the water called for on the box with milk instead and add an extra egg to the mixture, it tastes more homemade!  

Bake cake according to box directions.  

Remove cake and poke holes all over it with a wooden spoon handle

Which together the sweetened condensed milk with the 1 3/4 cups of milk; Mix in the white chocolate pudding mix.  

Let the mixture stand for 1 minute then pour the mixture over the hot cake.  Make sure to get the pudding mixture into all of the poked holes.

Let the cake cool completely, then frost with two cans of cream cheese frosting!

6)  Cadbury Egg Cake Bars

Ingredients:

1 stick of butter, softened

1 box of yellow cake mix

1 large egg

3 tablespoons of vegetable oil

1 cup of mini chocolate chips

5 Cadbury eggs, chopped

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350.

Line a 9x13 baking dish with foil and spray with cooking spray.

Place butter, cake mix, egg, oil, and chocolate chips into a large mixing bowl and stir until it creates a dough.

Gently stir in the chopped Cadbury eggs to combine.

Transfer the dough to the prepared baking dish and press evenly into pan.

Bake for 25-30 minutes until it is baked through.

Let cool for 30 minutes before you cut into squares and serve!

Now that we have marginally broken a sweat in the kitchen and made these simple and savory recipes, we deserve a drink!  Please note that if people brag on you and encourage you to write a cookbook after your Easter meal this year, don't say a peep!   

Peeps Marshmallow Martini

Ingredients:

1 1/2 ounces of fluffed marshmallow vodka

1/2 ounce of vanilla syrup

1 ounce of cream

Directions:

Pour the vodka, vanilla syrup, and cream into some type of receptacle with ice and shake or stir.

After mixture is properly blended, pour into a glass and enjoy!  Cheers!

My Adult Wish Book

Do you remember receiving the Sears Christmas Wish Book?  It was an annual tradition if you were a child in the '80s.  You would ever so carefully open it upon receipt in your mailbox every year.  I can still feel the crisp paper pages running over my fingertips.  I perused each and every page dozens upon dozens of times in the weeks leading up to Christmas.  I would take it with me into the bathroom if I had to poop.  The pictures of the seasonal Oscar De La Renta Barbie fashions were a natural evacuant for my bowels.  I scarcely let it out of my sight when I was home.  No one was to be trusted - my parents, my brother, or the dogs.  They all jockeyed for ownership of my catalogue.  I could sense it every time they breezed past me and paid no attention to my presence.  The whole aloof and unsought stance about my prized magazine was not about to fool me.  Every morning as I prepared to go to school, I made sure to give every family member my "I'll cut a bitch" death glare.  I would practice my nasty sneer every morning after I brushed my teeth.  The toothpaste made me feel extra hardcore because it gave the elusion that I had rabies.  In addition to my guerrilla warfare tactics protecting my treasured toy literature, I also scribbled all over it to mark my territory like a male dog.  I would circle each and every toy that I requested from Santa multiple times with my Crayola markers.  To ensure that my clues were being accurately absorbed, I additionally dog-eared any page that happened to contain a toy that I desired.  Santa Claus and my coveted Sears Wish Book never failed me.  Not once.  I relish in the simplicity of achieved happiness when I was a kid.  Look, point, then receive.  I would love the same level of joy from an adult wish book.  I have an agglomeration of things that I fancy me being able to circle in a catalogue and receive in a timely manner on my porch.  Boom.  Done.  Yours.  Go forth and adult the day away with your new toys.  Here is a sample of goods that I would love to purchase with just the touch of a button.

1) An ATF Approved Human Dart Gun

This little gadget would save a lot of arguments and bickering in your life.  It would help Moms contain their children if they choose to lose their damn minds in public.  Picture this - Uncle Ben is intoxicated and starts his 3 hour Vietnam Vet rant which has ruined so many holiday family meals in the past. You go to your purse, whip out your dart gun, shoot the sedative in his neck, then put him in a guest bedroom.  Your child wants to continue to ride the carousel at the mall for the 18th time and has thrown herself on the floor.  Dart her.  Put her in a stroller and shop the mall in peace.  Your neighbor is mowing his lawn AGAIN on Saturday morning at 7:15.  Grab your dart gun, aim it out your window, dart him, then walk over in your robe to turn off his mower.  The dart gun will reinstill manners into our society.  

2)  Severance Package Firm

No one wants to end a crappy relationship.  A lot of people often choose to simply ghost their significant other and just disappear.  The issue with this is that the other person will continue to torment for answers and hold items for ransom.  A personal severance package firm would alleviate all of this drama.  You can hire the firm to do your dirty work for you.  It is up to every customer on how they would like the bad news to be shared.  There will be multiple tiers of severance package service options.  You can hire the serious attorney type to sit down with your soon to be ex and read a statement from you.  He can bring items to give to the person in return for your items.  You can go the silly carnival clown route.  This option has the intent to make the ex laugh to soften the blow.  There is the option for the hired person to bring a list of single people within a 10 mile radius as a parting gift.  You can choose the raging lunatic package where the hired consultant plays your current lover.  The raging lunatic act includes multiple weapons for the hired actor to sharpen and clean in front of your ex.  You can choose the government civic duty package.  The consultant arrives in military attire to let the ex know that you have chosen to join the military and have been stationed on the moon.  The options for a personal severance package firm are LITERALLY endless.  The firm will also have a fully staffed IT team to have your ex's number rerouted to their break up help line any time he or she attempts to call you.  This option will undoubtedly cost a premium, but it will be fully worth it so that you never have to deal with your bat shit crazy ex ever. ever. again.

3)  The Plan X Pill

Much like the Plan B pill already on the market, the Plan X pill will also prevent pregnancy.  A Plan X pill is for women that are finished having children.   As you get past your prime reproductive years, having your period and dealing with mood swings are a grim reality.  The Plan X pill will coat all of your lady parts with a Teflon material.  No more periods, no more hormones, no more cramping, no more ovulation, and no need for a hysterectomy.  It is a do not cross yellow tape line that will be draped all over your female organs.  Yes, please.

4)  Vasectomy Villa

My friends and I are at the age where our husbands are choosing to get a vasectomy.  The procedure itself is yearned for by all strung out Moms.  The recovery and healing process is widely detested.  I have been told multiple vasectomy tales from friends where their husband literally ruined an entire Christmas vacation or Spring Break.  The Vasectomy Villa will alleviate any aftercare chores for the wife.  The Vasectomy Villa will be a a week long recovery center with 24/7 care.  There will be ice machines in each room for the husband to conveniently use to place on their genitals at any time throughout the day.  The only television options are ESPN or CNN.  There will also be daily recreation time with other Vasectomy Villa patients like wheelchair basketball and board games like Genitalia Land (from the creators of Candy Land) where they can collect and barter different male private parts.  Studies have shown that this game really eases the transition from having balls packing weapons to ones that now shoot blanks.  Thanks, Mattel.

5)  Vehicle Toilet Option

Traveling with kids is a beating.  A large part of wasted time can be attributed to bathroom breaks.  I would love for SUV and mini van manufacturers to have a third row/potty option.  How hard can it be to slip a small toilet under a portion of the third row?!?!?!?  I am telling you that the first Mom mobile to the market with this option will have off the chart sales.  

6)  The You Suck App

How many times have you sworn obscenities at another car?  How many times have you wanted to flip off the asshole riding your bumper behind you?  How many times have you mentally envisioned what you would tell the ass wipe next to you if you didn't have your children in tow?!?!?!  The You Suck app will make you break into a happy dance.  It is similar to Siri.  You place your smart phone in your vehicle and click on this app as you pull out of your driveway.  The voice of Spike speaks out to you - "What message would you like conveyed for you?"  "We're good for now, Spike" lets him know to be on stand by.  BUT, if an issue arises, alert Spike.  Spike is wirelessly attached to two screens that are suctioned to windows on your car.  All you have to do is gleefully yell out - "Spike please tell the car to my right that I hope he chokes on his minuscule balls and dies."  Said message then appears on the screen in bright red neon writing.  Or, you can simply say - "Spike please give the car behind me the middle finger and keep the image up for 3 minutes."  A stock image of a man flipping the bird appears on the screen across your rear window.  This app will be a little piece of heaven navigating the roadways of life with you.  

7)  The Calorie Collar

The Calorie Collar will work similarly to the Fitbit.   This invention will be revolutionary for the diet industry.  You enter in your daily allowed calories based on whether you want to lose weight, maintain, etc.  If you start to eat anything that crosses your allotted allowance for the day - the collar sends a major jolt through your system.   The Calorie Collar will not reset until a full 24 hours later.  The motto for the Calorie Collar can be something like "No Pain Unless You Want To Gain".   

8)  Public Wine Vending Machines

I feel that the world would be a better place if there were wine vending machines next to soda ones.  I would relish in my grocery shopping time.  There would be a driver's license database in the system  that would need to be scanned before you can be approved to purchase.  There will be options for single serving and full serving bottles.  Women will never complain again to their spouse about this weekly venture.  It might even become a social beacon.  Evites will go out across communities inviting friends to meet them at Kroger for a grocery store party.  "Grocery Gala This Thursday At 10:00 am.  Meet Betty Ann In The Vending Area - Let's Drink, Chat, and Shop!  Please Leave Regrets Only Below."  

9) Blow Up Bestie

Men, by nature, are more solitary creatures than women.   I have learned over the years that most of my friend's husbands just don't have a huge network of friends.  I often worry about the lack of friends in my husband's life.  Don't get me wrong - I am solid entertainment on my own, but we have kids, and I think that he yearns to have a guy friend.  I don't think that he really requires much in a friend and men don't want a lot of chit chat.  They get plenty of that at home.  I think a Blow Up Bestie could really widen a lot of men's friendship circles.  By circles I mean a dot - but, it's a start, right!?!??!  You can golf with Blow Up Bestie, you can go to a pub, you can chat to him during your commute to work, you can watch the big game with him, you can have him assist on any manly chores required around the house like fixing the fridge light.  The uses for Blow Up Bestie for your husband are literally endless.  They can occasionally say something to him and the beauty is that Blow Up Bestie will not relay an opinion back!  Father's Day is just around the corner... 

10)  The BJ Buddy

I think that a blow job is the most dreaded deed on most women's lists.  It is a sanctioned act for special occasions throughout the year - Valentine's Day, his Birthday, and your Anniversary.  But, what if you had a gadget that did all the work FOR you!?!?!  I think that a Blow Job Buddy would be an amazing invention.  It is basically a Roomba 980 for your husband's penis.  It operates on batteries and you just simply place it on your husband's junk after you put some lube on it.  All of the hard work is done FOR YOU, ladies.  I think this invention will transcend marriages.  I think this invention has the opportunity to win a Nobel Peace Award.  

11)  A Male Manicurist 

Let me be more specific - a hot male manicurist that comes to your home.  I love manicures and pedicures.  I love picking out the polish, the massage, the smell of the lotions and balms being lathered onto my lower extremities, being treated like the world revolves around me for an hour.  I DON'T like the Vietnamese gossip going on right under my nose.  If you are going to babble about scandals, please do so in a language that I can participate in.  I love hot scoop.  Drives me crazy.  I just know it is Dynasty-level drama, too.  This is why a mani/pedi male that does said services in your home would be a gold mine.  I do not care if this man prefers men.  As long as he is nice to look at, has strong hands for a solid massage, and can share trendy chatter with me, I will hire you.  If you have friends with the same credentials, we can do bi-weekly pedi parties.  I don't think that this is asking too much, do you!?!?!?!?  

Now that I have shared a few items that I would love to see on my Adult Wish Book, let's have a drink or four....  Let's take our hats off for one of the original adult wish book dreams to come true for all womankind worldwide - that's right, The Wonder Bra.

Wonder Bra Cocktail

Ingredients:

1 1/2 ounce of gin

3/4 ounce of Cointreau orange liqueur

1 ounce of pineapple juice

Simple recipe for a simple buzz - cheers!!!

    

    

      

  

   

Here Comes Peter Cottontail... Mortified as he hops down his bunny trail...

Easter is almost upon us.  Never mind that it is entirely too early this year and that puts my OCD into full throttle - it is literally right around the corner!  Easter is BY FAR my favorite holiday.  When people learn this about me for the first time they are often in shock.  REALLY?!?!?!?  Over Christmas?  Over Halloween?  Yes.  Over and above any holiday out there - Easter is my favorite.  I was born in Louisiana.  The Deep South.  Easter is an annual coalescence of smocked attire and crawfish boils galore.  I have a very unhealthy obsession with smocked apparel thanks to my Mimi, Mother, and Aunt Janet.  They would deck us out - their four oldest grandchildren - in matching smocked fabulousness every Easter.  We would then get our pictures taken ad nauseam.  I have to admit we DID look pretty spectacular in our Easter regalia every year.  There are pictures of all of us traipsing around in our grandparent's backyard like peacocks strutting our bright toddler plumage.  And, let me tell you that our parents did not skip a beat on our Easter accoutrements.  We would wear the biggest lace bonnets, little white gloves, ornate eyelet lace panties politely peeping out underneath our dresses, perfectly detailed smocked garb, lace ankle socks, and patent leather Mary Jane shoes.   We were oohed and ahhed at for what seemed like a lifetime by our family paparazzi.  And, the best part!??!?!  The eggs that we were collecting by force for our baskets were stocked full of chocolate crap!  We were being strategically instructed to pick up sugar bombs all over the yard.  My Pampa would make that huge coconut bunny cake with the jelly bean tie made infamous in the '80s for dessert every year.  And, let me add...  My aunt would dress up AS the Easter Bunny, and we would watch her from the window in awe as she carefully laid out our treasured sugar highs.  As a brief side bar - my uncles ALSO got on the roof every Christmas Eve as reindeer with sleigh bells while my other uncle dressed up as Santa Claus.  We would be woken up and paraded into the living area to watch him eat our cookies and lay out our precious gifts.  Two things.  Number one, this is Louisiana - every adult involved was heavily intoxicated.  Number two, this annual pageantry carved a path of pure holiday mania for myself and my cousins.  Life was good at Mimi and Pampa's for the holidays.  The kids were running around in a sugar daze while the adults were in a booze nebula.  It was magic.  For whatever reason the pomp and circumstance of Easter resonated with me the most.  It fueled my Princess syndrome.  Before I had children of my own, it was the highlight of my year to find that perfect dress, hat, and shoes for Easter morning at church.  Now that I have two daughters of my own, it is pertinent that I find THE quintessential Easter ensem for them to sport every Spring.  It is also a requirement that my home become a Bunny-filled enchanted forest.  This may all sound completely foreign to you, but I literally know no different.  This is truly how I was raised.  As I started researching Easter decor fads for this year, I came across some truly disturbing bunny trends from the days of yore.  So bothersome, in fact, that I simply HAD to share all of them with you in their tasteless glory!

I want all of you to have a firm understanding of my deeply entrenched Easter fetish.  These two photos are of myself and my cousin, Jenny.  You, too, would have an unsound relationship with this holiday if this was your reality every season!  ** Side note - please ignore the crotch shot of my Mom there in the background on Easter morning... She was truly a sexual pioneer, that one...**

I came across piles of 'tacky Easter sweater' images the other day.  I know that this might be hard for my friends a decade younger than me to comprehend, but these were the height of fashion at one point.  My Mom and I owned masses of these for every occasion.  They were PTA Mom-errific.  Exhibit A shown above is the last Easter that I celebrated with my Mom before she passed away.  The sweater that I am proudly sporting is tacky sweater couture at its FINEST!  A little girl sitting behind us at church that Easter Sunday, leaned over and whispered to her Mom that Strawberry Shortcake was sitting in front of her.  She loved my red hat.  It was probably the single best compliment of my life up until that point. 

Apparently, vintage Easter bunny figurines in a "take a shit stance" were once quite the novelty.  I came across several of them.  The second one must have been highly coveted because it appears to have a rabbit hemorrhoid protruding from its derriere. 

These images put a whole new meaning behind 'He is risen' on Easter Sunday.  When I originally came across the above plate and accessories, I thought that it must be an Easter Brunch place setting from the Playboy Mansion.  I have stared at this picture for hours trying to figure out exactly what the erect figurine could possibly be under the brown felt bunny?!?!?!?  I have yet to think of a reasonable explanation.  THEN, there's swinging dick Easter Bunny up there.  I am guessing that Uncle Mo showed up hammered to the family egg hunt and forgot to don his male undergarments.  He had to be reminded that they were hiding EGGS in the yard - NOT BALLS.  And, last but not least, is Peter Rabbit.  He seems to be rather fond of his large erect peter up there.  It is as if he is saying - "You know you want to lick it...  Just own it...  Carrots are DELICIOUS."    

Time has not been kind on the Easter Bunny.  He smokes two packs a day and pops Aderall just to make it through Easter each year without having a Meth relapse.  He used to deal pot on the offseason, but is now on probation.  He likes to fondly look back on this vintage portrait of himself surrounded by his precious grass.  It used to take multiple joints a day just to get him through Easter Sunday.  Now that he has found God and dental implants, this vision of him is a distant memory.  Keep on keepin' on, EB.  You've got this. 

Is it a wonder that children are distressed when placed on the Easter Bunny's lap for pictures at the mall?!?!?!  I have found 4 prime examples.  We have inbred, crackhead bunny.  He happily agreed to be compensated with free mall court corndogs.  Then, we have the twins from The Shining who took sanction in playing the Easter Bunny after work dried up for them. They were fired after they continued to whisper 'Redrum' in patron's ears.  Next up, pedophile Easter Bunny.  He was removed from his duties when he kept asking children to pet his carrot.  And, last but not least, we have the Klu Klux Klan Bunny.   Redneck Roy needed extra income after his trailer was ruined in a tornado.  He thought that modifying his KKK uniform into a bunny costume would make his past look inconspicuous.  Roy was terminated and jailed for passing out Swastika pamphlets and candy to toddlers.  Does it not baffle anyone else how one of the cutest animals on the planet can be morphed into the most feared item sitting in the mall for a month?!?!?!?  

When I picture a fuzzy stuffed bunny lovingly planted in my basket for my enjoyment, these are not the visions that fill my head.  Regrettably, there is a very limited market for bunnies like those shown above that would have been found after the Chernobyl disaster.  

I also came across some troubling bunny statues that must have done poorly after initial reproduction.  After Boy Scout Den leaders got a bad wrap for being perverts, the first bunny model shown was quickly put out of circulation.  The Easter industry already has a candy named 'Peeps' - it did not need any 'Peeping Toms' added to the mix.  And, as we have all recently learned, Donald Trump will do just about anything to make a buck.  At one point, he had an Easter Bunny of his likeness on the market.  It bombed.  No one wants a deranged bunny with bad hair and a flashy suit as a toy.  Go figure. 

Now that we have seen the sour side of Easter, let's top off this session with the very sweet side of Easter!

Cadbury Cream Egg Cocktail

Ingredients:

1 oz dark Creme de Cacao

1/2 oz Godiva chocolate liqueur

1 oz Bailey's Caramel Irish Cream

Splash of Smirnoff whipped cream Vodka

Chocolate syrup

Caramel syrup

Drizzle a martini glass with the chocolate syrup and place in the freezer for 15 minutes.  Mix the Creme de Cacao, Godiva liqueur, Bailey's, and the splash of Smirnoff whipped cream vodka.  Stir or shake until well mixed.  Remove the glass with the chocolate drizzled on the bottom from the freezer and squeeze a good sized dollop of caramel sauce into the glass (this serves as the 'yolk' for the cream egg).  Gently pour the liquor mixture over the caramel dollop and ENJOY!  This drink is pure heaven!  Cheers!!