My Adult Wish Book

Do you remember receiving the Sears Christmas Wish Book?  It was an annual tradition if you were a child in the '80s.  You would ever so carefully open it upon receipt in your mailbox every year.  I can still feel the crisp paper pages running over my fingertips.  I perused each and every page dozens upon dozens of times in the weeks leading up to Christmas.  I would take it with me into the bathroom if I had to poop.  The pictures of the seasonal Oscar De La Renta Barbie fashions were a natural evacuant for my bowels.  I scarcely let it out of my sight when I was home.  No one was to be trusted - my parents, my brother, or the dogs.  They all jockeyed for ownership of my catalogue.  I could sense it every time they breezed past me and paid no attention to my presence.  The whole aloof and unsought stance about my prized magazine was not about to fool me.  Every morning as I prepared to go to school, I made sure to give every family member my "I'll cut a bitch" death glare.  I would practice my nasty sneer every morning after I brushed my teeth.  The toothpaste made me feel extra hardcore because it gave the elusion that I had rabies.  In addition to my guerrilla warfare tactics protecting my treasured toy literature, I also scribbled all over it to mark my territory like a male dog.  I would circle each and every toy that I requested from Santa multiple times with my Crayola markers.  To ensure that my clues were being accurately absorbed, I additionally dog-eared any page that happened to contain a toy that I desired.  Santa Claus and my coveted Sears Wish Book never failed me.  Not once.  I relish in the simplicity of achieved happiness when I was a kid.  Look, point, then receive.  I would love the same level of joy from an adult wish book.  I have an agglomeration of things that I fancy me being able to circle in a catalogue and receive in a timely manner on my porch.  Boom.  Done.  Yours.  Go forth and adult the day away with your new toys.  Here is a sample of goods that I would love to purchase with just the touch of a button.

1) An ATF Approved Human Dart Gun

This little gadget would save a lot of arguments and bickering in your life.  It would help Moms contain their children if they choose to lose their damn minds in public.  Picture this - Uncle Ben is intoxicated and starts his 3 hour Vietnam Vet rant which has ruined so many holiday family meals in the past. You go to your purse, whip out your dart gun, shoot the sedative in his neck, then put him in a guest bedroom.  Your child wants to continue to ride the carousel at the mall for the 18th time and has thrown herself on the floor.  Dart her.  Put her in a stroller and shop the mall in peace.  Your neighbor is mowing his lawn AGAIN on Saturday morning at 7:15.  Grab your dart gun, aim it out your window, dart him, then walk over in your robe to turn off his mower.  The dart gun will reinstill manners into our society.  

2)  Severance Package Firm

No one wants to end a crappy relationship.  A lot of people often choose to simply ghost their significant other and just disappear.  The issue with this is that the other person will continue to torment for answers and hold items for ransom.  A personal severance package firm would alleviate all of this drama.  You can hire the firm to do your dirty work for you.  It is up to every customer on how they would like the bad news to be shared.  There will be multiple tiers of severance package service options.  You can hire the serious attorney type to sit down with your soon to be ex and read a statement from you.  He can bring items to give to the person in return for your items.  You can go the silly carnival clown route.  This option has the intent to make the ex laugh to soften the blow.  There is the option for the hired person to bring a list of single people within a 10 mile radius as a parting gift.  You can choose the raging lunatic package where the hired consultant plays your current lover.  The raging lunatic act includes multiple weapons for the hired actor to sharpen and clean in front of your ex.  You can choose the government civic duty package.  The consultant arrives in military attire to let the ex know that you have chosen to join the military and have been stationed on the moon.  The options for a personal severance package firm are LITERALLY endless.  The firm will also have a fully staffed IT team to have your ex's number rerouted to their break up help line any time he or she attempts to call you.  This option will undoubtedly cost a premium, but it will be fully worth it so that you never have to deal with your bat shit crazy ex ever. ever. again.

3)  The Plan X Pill

Much like the Plan B pill already on the market, the Plan X pill will also prevent pregnancy.  A Plan X pill is for women that are finished having children.   As you get past your prime reproductive years, having your period and dealing with mood swings are a grim reality.  The Plan X pill will coat all of your lady parts with a Teflon material.  No more periods, no more hormones, no more cramping, no more ovulation, and no need for a hysterectomy.  It is a do not cross yellow tape line that will be draped all over your female organs.  Yes, please.

4)  Vasectomy Villa

My friends and I are at the age where our husbands are choosing to get a vasectomy.  The procedure itself is yearned for by all strung out Moms.  The recovery and healing process is widely detested.  I have been told multiple vasectomy tales from friends where their husband literally ruined an entire Christmas vacation or Spring Break.  The Vasectomy Villa will alleviate any aftercare chores for the wife.  The Vasectomy Villa will be a a week long recovery center with 24/7 care.  There will be ice machines in each room for the husband to conveniently use to place on their genitals at any time throughout the day.  The only television options are ESPN or CNN.  There will also be daily recreation time with other Vasectomy Villa patients like wheelchair basketball and board games like Genitalia Land (from the creators of Candy Land) where they can collect and barter different male private parts.  Studies have shown that this game really eases the transition from having balls packing weapons to ones that now shoot blanks.  Thanks, Mattel.

5)  Vehicle Toilet Option

Traveling with kids is a beating.  A large part of wasted time can be attributed to bathroom breaks.  I would love for SUV and mini van manufacturers to have a third row/potty option.  How hard can it be to slip a small toilet under a portion of the third row?!?!?!?  I am telling you that the first Mom mobile to the market with this option will have off the chart sales.  

6)  The You Suck App

How many times have you sworn obscenities at another car?  How many times have you wanted to flip off the asshole riding your bumper behind you?  How many times have you mentally envisioned what you would tell the ass wipe next to you if you didn't have your children in tow?!?!?!  The You Suck app will make you break into a happy dance.  It is similar to Siri.  You place your smart phone in your vehicle and click on this app as you pull out of your driveway.  The voice of Spike speaks out to you - "What message would you like conveyed for you?"  "We're good for now, Spike" lets him know to be on stand by.  BUT, if an issue arises, alert Spike.  Spike is wirelessly attached to two screens that are suctioned to windows on your car.  All you have to do is gleefully yell out - "Spike please tell the car to my right that I hope he chokes on his minuscule balls and dies."  Said message then appears on the screen in bright red neon writing.  Or, you can simply say - "Spike please give the car behind me the middle finger and keep the image up for 3 minutes."  A stock image of a man flipping the bird appears on the screen across your rear window.  This app will be a little piece of heaven navigating the roadways of life with you.  

7)  The Calorie Collar

The Calorie Collar will work similarly to the Fitbit.   This invention will be revolutionary for the diet industry.  You enter in your daily allowed calories based on whether you want to lose weight, maintain, etc.  If you start to eat anything that crosses your allotted allowance for the day - the collar sends a major jolt through your system.   The Calorie Collar will not reset until a full 24 hours later.  The motto for the Calorie Collar can be something like "No Pain Unless You Want To Gain".   

8)  Public Wine Vending Machines

I feel that the world would be a better place if there were wine vending machines next to soda ones.  I would relish in my grocery shopping time.  There would be a driver's license database in the system  that would need to be scanned before you can be approved to purchase.  There will be options for single serving and full serving bottles.  Women will never complain again to their spouse about this weekly venture.  It might even become a social beacon.  Evites will go out across communities inviting friends to meet them at Kroger for a grocery store party.  "Grocery Gala This Thursday At 10:00 am.  Meet Betty Ann In The Vending Area - Let's Drink, Chat, and Shop!  Please Leave Regrets Only Below."  

9) Blow Up Bestie

Men, by nature, are more solitary creatures than women.   I have learned over the years that most of my friend's husbands just don't have a huge network of friends.  I often worry about the lack of friends in my husband's life.  Don't get me wrong - I am solid entertainment on my own, but we have kids, and I think that he yearns to have a guy friend.  I don't think that he really requires much in a friend and men don't want a lot of chit chat.  They get plenty of that at home.  I think a Blow Up Bestie could really widen a lot of men's friendship circles.  By circles I mean a dot - but, it's a start, right!?!??!  You can golf with Blow Up Bestie, you can go to a pub, you can chat to him during your commute to work, you can watch the big game with him, you can have him assist on any manly chores required around the house like fixing the fridge light.  The uses for Blow Up Bestie for your husband are literally endless.  They can occasionally say something to him and the beauty is that Blow Up Bestie will not relay an opinion back!  Father's Day is just around the corner... 

10)  The BJ Buddy

I think that a blow job is the most dreaded deed on most women's lists.  It is a sanctioned act for special occasions throughout the year - Valentine's Day, his Birthday, and your Anniversary.  But, what if you had a gadget that did all the work FOR you!?!?!  I think that a Blow Job Buddy would be an amazing invention.  It is basically a Roomba 980 for your husband's penis.  It operates on batteries and you just simply place it on your husband's junk after you put some lube on it.  All of the hard work is done FOR YOU, ladies.  I think this invention will transcend marriages.  I think this invention has the opportunity to win a Nobel Peace Award.  

11)  A Male Manicurist 

Let me be more specific - a hot male manicurist that comes to your home.  I love manicures and pedicures.  I love picking out the polish, the massage, the smell of the lotions and balms being lathered onto my lower extremities, being treated like the world revolves around me for an hour.  I DON'T like the Vietnamese gossip going on right under my nose.  If you are going to babble about scandals, please do so in a language that I can participate in.  I love hot scoop.  Drives me crazy.  I just know it is Dynasty-level drama, too.  This is why a mani/pedi male that does said services in your home would be a gold mine.  I do not care if this man prefers men.  As long as he is nice to look at, has strong hands for a solid massage, and can share trendy chatter with me, I will hire you.  If you have friends with the same credentials, we can do bi-weekly pedi parties.  I don't think that this is asking too much, do you!?!?!?!?  

Now that I have shared a few items that I would love to see on my Adult Wish Book, let's have a drink or four....  Let's take our hats off for one of the original adult wish book dreams to come true for all womankind worldwide - that's right, The Wonder Bra.

Wonder Bra Cocktail

Ingredients:

1 1/2 ounce of gin

3/4 ounce of Cointreau orange liqueur

1 ounce of pineapple juice

Simple recipe for a simple buzz - cheers!!!