I realized over the past several months that I am raising a major Bible Beater. My oldest daughter, Ashlyn, LOVES chatting about Jesus. It is her favorite topic. Don't get me wrong -- I am a Christian. I just don't really enjoy church. There, I said it. Let me start with saying that I was raised in Midland, TX. The Bible Belt. If you are not familiar with Midland, and you live here in McKinney, then you will be thrilled to know that the two towns are one in the same. The only difference IS Midland is the desert. And, oil pumps. And, tumbleweeds. However, they BOTH have a church on every. single. corner. Churches are like Starbucks if you have ever lived in either locale. In fact, there are churches on every corner facing one another. You cannot drive down the street in either community without passing 43 churches en route to your final destination. Midland and McKinney truly love The Lord.
I grew up attending church every Sunday. I was baptized and confirmed at First Presbyterian in Midland. If you were not raised in a barn, then that was just what you did every Sunday. You went to Sunday School, you attended church, then you went to Luby's Cafeteria for lunch. Mmmmmm - Luby's. I HATED going to church. I dreaded it every week. It was insanely boring and repetitive. You must love The Lord blah blah bah; you must attend church to go to Heaven meh meh meh; you better sing these boring ass songs or burn in Hell one day yackety yackety yack. HATED. IT.
I know what you must be thinking... Ashlyn must get her passion for Jesus from her Daddy. Wrong. My husband was raised in Memphis, TN. Not only did he ALSO go to church every single Sunday without fail, but he attended Harding Academy. Harding is a private, devoutly Christian school. And, not just any private Christian school - a Church of Christ private school. One of his daily classes was a Bible course. If you are unfamiliar with religious sects, then let me just share with you that Church of Christers really, REALly, REALLY love The Lord. They make the Baptist church look like a kiddie ride at a carnival. My husband knows more about the Bible than some ordained ministers out there. He, too, despised attending church.
That all being said, how did Ashlyn come to be!?!??! It is an anomaly that we routinely question. She begs me to take her to church - in fact, she often inquires why we do not attend church every week. She hates when anyone in her life has strife with one another. There have been a couple of instances this year where some of her friends have had arguments at recess. She pleads with both parties to make up because that is what Jesus would want. She always has a smile on her face. She exudes happiness - a kindness that is almost indescribable. She is a 'glass is half full' kind of person. One morning on our way to school, her little sister, Scarlett, complained about the sun being in her eyes. Ashlyn's reply was -- "You should love the sunshine! It is God smiling down on us every single day." She always offers her help to me and others. I honestly don't know how I would get all of my chores done on any given day without her assistance. She does not have a mean bone in her body. Her baby sister has moxie, sass, and then some. Ashlyn is just wired with warmth and concern. She is such a rarity in my family that I can remember my cousin telling me once that our family would claim Scarlett far before they would affirm Ashlyn. The Christian catalog could go on and on about her. In case you feel like you need more confirmation, here is a definitive list of signs that you, too, are raising a Bible Beater.
1) Jesus Graffiti
Most six year old children color hearts or simple items if handed a crayon and piece of paper. Better yet, they just fill in a coloring page if one is lying in front of them. Ashlyn DOES love to color and doodle, BUT she is also infatuated with Jesus graffiti. Whether we are at a Birthday party, a restaurant, or even just at home, she writes "I Love Jesus" on EVERYTHING. And, I do mean everything. She even scrolls it out on the glass in the shower with her finger every morning.
2) Multiple Jesus Literature In Their Bedroom
Ashlyn owns four - you heard that right - FOUR bibles. Why?!?!!? Isn't it the exact same book? Is there really any need to EVER own more than one bible? Her disposition is so kind that people often just walk up and hand her Jesus literature. She is the person that will stand there and chat with the Jehovah's witnesses at Trade Days or in the grocery store in hopes that they will give her another free bible. She also tried to steal the bible from our room at Great Wolf Lodge in February. She tried to sneak it out in my suitcase. Not a candy bar. Not a towel. A BIBLE. Who steals a bible?!?!? A Bible Beater, that's who...
3) She Wishes For More Bibles
My girls LOVE throwing coins in the fountains at restaurants, the mall, and other public venues. We cannot skip a fountain - it would be sacrilege to not worship at these watery altars. Scarlett always wishes for a pet unicorn or another Barbie. Not Ashlyn. She always wishes for another bible. Again, child, WHY?!?!?!?!? You have FOUR.
4) Jesus Artwork
If we go to a restaurant that does not have crayons and kids menus, my girls always make do with pens from my purse and the napkins on the table. Most recently, this was a depiction that Ashlyn drew for me a few weeks ago. Poor kid has my nonexistent artistic talents... I stared and pondered over it as she beamed at me with her big eyes patiently waiting for me to chat about it with her. I really tried my best to understand what in the fuck this was before asking, but I just had no clue. She very happily let me know that this was a sketch of her rock jam with Jesus. You have two microphones set up there, a guitar, what looks like a crucifix for decor perhaps???? And, voila - a Jesus Concert doodle. Totally what I would have guessed had she not politely prompted me...
5) Love For Animals
Don't get me wrong - I am an animal lover. But, I have my limits. I mostly stick to furry creatures that aren't assholes. So, yes, that would exclude cats. I HATE CATS. Ashlyn also has a strong affinity for animals - but, ALL animals big and small. She picks up bugs and transports them to a different location if they are in harm's way. She goes Sofia The First on you if given the chance and will literally sit there and talk with ducks as she feeds them. She once saved a ladybug that was stuck on a popsicle at an amusement park. Her sister was dancing The Macarena in the aisle and Ashlyn stopped to rescue this ladybug. Once again, I adore animals, but I was probably doing The Macarena with Scarlett - just sayin'....
I don't want you to think that I am making fun of my little Bible Beater - I'm not. I love her solid heart of gold. I love the fact that she was sent here to save me and her sister whom we jokingly call Little Orphan Lucifer and Creature every day. I am just at a loss as to how this happened!?!??! How am I raising this unbelievably kind human being??!?!!? The irony is not lost on me... I just have to presume that all of her Christian preschool teachers really, really, really rubbed off on her! In honor of my little Jesus nut, let's end this post with learning how to make the Godchild beverage!
The Godchild
1 oz of Vodka
1 oz Amaretto
1 oz heavy cream
Mix above ingredients and pour over ice! Ashlyn would like to remind you that you cannot purchase liquor on Sunday before noon, SO please be prepared and stocked with your liquor beverage needs on Saturday evening. Cheers!!
