Women are interesting creatures. Even though we are raised to be maternal, loving, caring, and kind - we are far more ruthless than men. Please don't let that pretty innocent face fool you - deep down, there is envy. It does not matter if it is your absolute best friend in the whole wide world or some stranger that you pass on the street, at some point you have envisioned cutting that perfect necklace off some girl's neck. You see Betty grace one of your friend's doorways sporting THE perfect plaid with herringbone trim scarf... You embrace Betty... You pull back and look at her perfect scarf... You compliment Betty for her amazing taste and politely ask where she got said scarf glowing around her neck... Betty giggles and pretends to not remember where she got this plaid miracle perfectly knotted around her... This is a game... Betty knows damn well where she got this scarf, and she is not about to tell YOU... You and Betty snicker... As you walk away, you think, "Nice scarf, bitch. Wait until we meet again - I will have the scarf AND the gloves that match." Oh, what???!?!? Oh, yes - sorry... "I can't wait to see you next week at the PTA meeting, too!!! * you stupid scarf bitch * And, if one thinks that female accessory envy is bad - it does not even remotely compare to house envy. Oh, house envy is a whole different level of detest. The funny thing IS that every woman that walks into any other home other than her own, is going to be engrossed with house envy. You may have a bigger closet than me, a heated toilet seat, a dog runner in your backyard for your child to be hooked up to while you do laundry, all white cabinets in your kitchen (if you have all white cabinets in your kitchen, I am talking to you bitches... White cabinet WHORES.) I'm sorry. I digress. My point IS that you need to be a style of your own! And, some of the simplest and most inexpensive items can make your house an envied home! One of the things that I have out that I gets TON of compliments on are fingerprint artwork by my children. There are so many ways that you can jazz these items up - buy a nice frame and put a bow on it! If it is on a plate, display it on a cake stand in a fancy plate holder. These items are in no way expensive, but the way you display them can create a true masterpiece!
The items that your children bring home from school look gorgeous in just the right frame! I literally put my youngest daughter's placemat from her Christmas party in a nice frame that I found on sale, and it looks stunning... People would never imagine that I had to scrape off frosting and green beans juice off of it as they gaze at it in a frame. I have a large piece that my oldest daughter made displayed on an easel that I bought at Hobby Lobby in the clearance section. The simplest touches like a discount frame and burlap bow can really add serious wow factor to your holiday decor!
Now, don't get me wrong... I am not delusional... Your children's framed artwork will not quench every ounce of your house envy. Decor trends come and go. But, there is no reason for you to spend a fortune! It is HOW you display it that makes all the difference. For example, I have been on my husband's jock for months now about a deer mount. I WANT ONE. Like, NOW. Stat. But, every time I found one, he would balk at the price of a resin deer mount, then would proclaim how much a REAL one would cost in comparison, etc. Yeah, yeah - whatever. I want one with FANCY horns. Men just don't GET IT. I searched high and I searched low... And, guess what!?!??!!? I found my fancy deer mounts AT Big Lots for $16! SIXTEEN DOLLARS. My husband still thinks that they are not as nice as a real one, BUT he has a y chromosome defect, so what the hell does he know!?!?!?
Now that we have sufficiently rolled around in female house and accessory envy, let's learn how to make the Seething Jealousy Cocktail!
Ingredients:
1 ounce sweet vermouth
1/2 ounce Scotch
1/2 ounce cherry Brandy
1/2 ounce fresh orange juice
Directions:
1) Place a martini glass or a Cinderella plastic tumbler (whatever you have handy...) in the freezer to chill for 5 minutes.
2) Pour all of your ingredients into a cocktail shaker or like a large, plastic Dollar Tree salad bowl (once again, whatever you have handy...) filled with ice.
3) Shake or mix the ingredients with a spatula for about 35 seconds, then strain it into your glass of choice... If you need to use your vegetable strainer, you do what is necessary, MacGyver.
4) Now, drink as quickly as possible... Cheers!!
No comments:
Post a Comment