I have felt like luke warm cat litter shit for days now, and I never once made mention that I felt bad to my husband. It would be a moot point. A complete waste of breath. My life does not change if I am sick. I just get to do all of my normal duties feeling like hammered monkey crap. If I were to contract Ebola tomorrow, I would just strap on a surgical mask and continue on with my normal daily functions.
It is actually my fault. I should have seen this coming a few days ago. Every time I coughed, my husband would start hacking, as well. True to male genetics, his coughs were actually competing with mine - they were louder and lasted longer. It is in moments like these that I start daydreaming and my mind ventures into Unicorn Land. What is that you ask??? Unicorn Land is my altered state of mind that I go into during a state of crisis. I envision amazing things. My Mom was the one that designated my daydreaming as Unicorn Land. I have zero resilience for crisis mode - I fold like a deck of cards. I have been that way my entire life. The first time that I ever got a UTI in college, I called my Mom and announced that my entire excretory system was shutting down. She patiently listened to my symptoms and let me know that I merely had a bladder infection. My Mom always handled the nasty or stressful junctures in my life. Instead of facing traumatic issues head on like a normal human being, I just start thinking about whimsical conditions. As a child, it was things like rainbows, unicorns, oily stickers, my Strawberry Shortcake collection, unlimited pairs of stonewashed GUESS jeans, and spending a day with Madonna.
As an adult, I still take mental jaunts over to Unicorn Land. The only difference would be the goods that I dream about - a credit card with no limit, a tapeworm so that I can eat whatever I want and still stay thin, a Latin cabana boy to serve me and my friends by my pool every summer, a live-in manicurist that speaks English, and a manshare unit for my husband.
TODAY, I especially yearn for a manshare unit. Much like a timeshare concept, a manshare unit would be a place for us to send our husbands to for a few days while we regain our patience. A timeout corner for husbands. It will be a multi-bedroom apartment or condo shared amongst friends. When your husband gets sick, has a huge project at work, his favorite sports team has lost, starts to lecture you about your spending habits, or you just need a break - off he goes to the manshare unit. It is basically a pad for our punished husbands to escape to without upsetting the ecosystem at home. It will be a win-win for all parties involved. They can go and sleep all day at the manshare unit when they get a cold. They can go and knock out their presentation without tormenting the entire family with their crappy mood. They can go and commiserate with other husbands when their football team loses. The wives involved will have cleaning duty once a quarter on a rotating schedule. The designated wife will go in wearing a hazmat suit to tidy up the manshare unit when it is her turn. I even have the design of the manshare unit laid out. The following is a blueprint of my manshare unit dream. Behold, my Unicorn Land...
Carpet is never a good idea for a pad where only men reside. Neither is wood floor - it is far too expensive to replace after it has inevitably been trashed. The manshare unit will only be cement floors adorned with a drain in the center of each room. This way you can just hose it down when it is your turn to clean it.
Since there will be numerous husbands staying there at any given time, a stackable fridge is a MUST. There are multiple layers of fridge space designated for each husband. They each get their own refrigerated drawers to store their bologna and processed cheese in during their visit.
Speaking of food, there will be a pallet of Ramen noodles on hand at all times. The average man's cooking expertise level is preschooler, so Ramen is the only safe bet to leave there should they opt not to order a pizza.
Every man dreams of having a Kegerator in his home. The answer to that will always be a hard pass from your wife. It is not asking a lot to be a level above a caveman and keep your beer in a bottle in the fridge at home. The manshare unit is a different story. If the lodgers there want to drink their beer straight from the tap like a heathen, feel free. This is your space.
Let's move onto the core furnishings displayed in the main living area. The couch is a lovely microfiber cotton blend camouflage number with side pockets for convenient beer storage. The coffee table is a Nintendo controller replica that was found on the side of a dumpster.
The primary wall hangings will be Star Wars character taxidermy. One husband had a friend that lost his job and thought that this would be a lucrative business venture after the recent Star Wars hype. The "artist" only sold three pieces - to his imbecile friend on the manshare unit lease that encouraged this dumbass idea.
The male dwellers are not going to wash sheets or make beds. It just won't happen. There will be a huge indoor hammock for everyone to crash on. This affords the husbands the opportunity to have sleepovers. A slumber party is a real deal closer at the end of any manshare unit tour. Both the wives and husbands on the manshare unit lease agree that tours of the facility are a novel idea. The more men on the list lowers the monthly bills. The more wives on the list lowers the amount of times a wife has to slap on that hazmat suit and clean up the pit.
When men tackle their daily faculties, it is an event. It lasts 25 minutes at the bare minimum for every trip. The manshare unit will have a throne seat for a toilet. We want you to truly savor every minute of such a coveted moment in your day.
If your husband happens to be banished to the manshare unit for a simple cold, there are actual bedrooms for him to sleep in. Each bedroom will come equipped with a baby sound machine retooled for a grown man when he is being a pussy. Instead of soothing beach waves or crickets chirping, it will be a woman's voice occasionally saying things like - "There, there... You will feel better soon." "A cool towel on your head will make you feel better." "Be sure and stay hydrated." After all, you do not want to come across as a total cold hearted bitch, do you?!?!?!?
I know what you are thinking as you read the manshare unit design... We are going to trust that our husbands will not turn their stay into a frat house brothel?!?!? YEAH - NO. The manshare unit will be video monitored at all times of the day. At any point, a wife can pull up the live video streaming in each room on her phone - including the throne toilet. If anything, it will be entertaining to time just how long your husband can sit stewing in his own stench. They are toddlers - they need to be monitored. It is for their own good.
Now that we have discussed the future of our manshare unit, we deserve a drink!
To keep up with the theme of making things simple for simple creatures like men, behold the Jack and Coke dispenser! Does it get any easier than an adult beverage version of Culligan's water!?!?!? If it was a Cabarnet Sauvignon and Riesling dispenser, I might even consider having one of these in my own home! Maybe. Cheers!
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