Want To Get Laid On Valentine's Day?!?!??!?!?!?!?

Valentine's Day is strictly a holiday for women.  You will be hard pressed to find a man that claps his hands in giddy delight when the topic of Valentine's Day is brought up in his presence.  In fact, I feel that men have just slowly been programmed to know what to do on Valentine's Day over the years by their spouse.  Their wife went bat shit crazy one year.  It only takes once.  She either did not get a V-Day gift at all OR she got a really, really crappy one.  A man's brain is not complex - it is easy to mold.  I think that a resounding siren starts to go off in their brains as February 14th approaches...  It sounds a lot like a tornado siren - "Don't fuck up - get a great gift...  Don't fuck up - get a great gift...."  And, a mental note has been made to never, ever repeat that one botched Valentine's Day gift EVER. AGAIN.  Grocery stores are brilliant - they now have circus tents set up in front of them with piles and piles of V-Day gift options ready for immediate purchase.  The symbolism behind a circus tent filled with these gifts is simple - men are clueless clowns.  The tent is simply a large beacon pointing them in the right direction for a gift - any gift - to get through Valentine's Day with a modicum of success.  But, I am here to tell you guys, you should actually LOVE Valentine's Day.  It is one of the days throughout the year that you are guaranteed sex IF you get the right gift.  It really is that simple.  Instead of dreading it, you should relish in it's approach - retrain your brain alarm to say - "If I get her a great gift, I will get laid...  If I get her a great gift, I will get laid..."  And, that is why I am writing this post for you!  Here are a lists of do's and don'ts gifts for Valentine's Day.  If you follow this simple map that I am laying out for you, then X will mark your wife's g-spot.  Let's start with the Don'ts list...

Guys, we don't want lingerie - much less lingerie from Strippers R Us.  A gift of lingerie is not really a gift for the woman in your life - it's a gift for YOU.  I have a lot of friends that buy lingerie in anticipation of the V-Day festivities.  If you play your cards right, trust me, you will get to see some fancy panties!

A book of sex checks is - once again - strictly a gift for the guy.  It is basically an indirect way of calling your wife a call girl.  'Pay To The Order Of: Hand Job or Spank Me' tends to not translate well with a woman...

If you are going to go the fresh flowers route, please don't buy carnations.  The thoughts that resonate with a woman who receives carnations is typically 'cheap' or '7-11'...

Whomever came up with the concept that a life-size Teddy Bear is a sweet and romantic Valentine's Day gift needs to be drug out into the street and shot.  What the hell is one supposed to even do with a ginormous Teddy Bear!?!?!?  What purpose does it serve?  Repeat with me - NO ADULT FEMALE WANTS AN 8-FOOT TEDDY BEAR AS A GIFT.  Ever.

Nothing from Kay Jewelers...  And, I do mean nothing...  Zilch.  Not one thing.  The above example should serve as a perfect reason why to never step foot into a mall jewelry store.  What is that thing any how?  An alien heart with wings?  A mutilated coat hanger with a halo?  A Star Wars character reveal for the next movie?  Sorry, Jane Seymour - fail.

Now that I have shown you a list of things that are guaranteed to NOT get you any action, let me now show you the light...  Here is my Do's list:

You can never go wrong with Kendra Scott - anything Kendra Scott.  Her jewelry ranges from very reasonable to somewhat pricy, and it so trendy right now!  As soon as she sees that box, her hormones will surge...

Mommies want a break.  Mommies want to feel pampered.  A spa package is an amazing V-Day gift idea - in fact, if you want to join in on the fun, buy a couple's spa package!

A Tory Burch handbag - any color, shape, style, material will also land you in her pants.  The fact that you even know who Tory Burch is will be a major turn on!  The great thing about Tory purses is that pricing for them also ranges from very reasonable to getting a bonus BJ for this purchase.

Tory Burch ballet flats will make her go 'ooohhhh' and 'ahhhhh' more than once that day.  If you have no clue what size shoe your wife wears, simply walk into the closet and pull out a shoe.  The size will be listed on there plain as day.  Write it down - go buy these shoes.  Quick hint: A TB purse AND TB ballet shoes together for a V-Day gift will probably equal a nooner for you.  They are that exciting...

A pair of really cute sunglasses is always a fab Valentine's Day gift.  Spring is almost here.  If you have kids in outdoor sports, they will be a much coveted gift.  PLUS, all of her friends at the games will be asking her where she got those amazing sunglasses.  She can proudly tell them that her husband picked them out.  This might lead to residual sex after said outdoor sports activities.  Don't panic - if you do not know which pair to get, just ask the lady behind the counter at Nordstrom's what the latest styles are, THEN tell your wife that YOU personally picked them out.  How will she ever find out the real truth!?!!?!?  SCORE.

Hunter rain boots.  If you want her to literally be putty in your hands - go with Hunter rain boots.  Once again, her shoe size can be found on any number of shoes laying in your closet.  She might even do a style show for you later - wearing JUST the boots.  Yes, they are that magical.  

A super cute pair of Spring material TOMS is a great gift!  These shoes are very reasonably priced, and will also be panty droppers.  I am telling you - the fact that you even know her shoe size or how to navigate a Nordstrom's will get any wife all hot and bothered!

Don't have a lot to spend on a Valentine's Day gift this year?  That is totally fine...  The sexiest thing that a man can do is google 'love letters', print it off, write it out in his own handwriting in a card, then present it to his wife.  Guaranteed nookie trap!

After 13 years with my husband, he knows the way right to my heart...  Cash.  Oh, how I love me some cash!  It is not traceable 3 months later when you get audited on your credit card.  It is accepted at any and all shopping establishments.  It feels so crisp on my finger tips as I pass it across the counter to buy something.  If your wife likes to spend like me, just slip some cash in with that forged love note, and she will be your love slave!  Now that I have gotten everyone all hot and bothered, let's make a drink! 

So, let's learn how to make the Blow Job shot.  Let's just be honest - that's what all men are aiming for on Valentine's Day any way...  

Ingredients:

3/4 ounce of Kahlua

3/4 ounce of Bailey's

Whipped cream

In a shot glass, pour in your Kahlua first, then layer your Bailey's on top.  Top with whipped cream.  If you have enough of these, you might just get the real thing AND a bonus use for the whipped cream that evening!  Cheers!