The week before Christmas my sweet friend reached out to me and let me know that she has decided to divorce her husband after almost 20 years of marriage. I was shocked. How does something like this happen!??!?! Spending half of your life with someone, then just walking away... They have a gorgeous home and two incredible and intelligent children. They both have Master's degrees and lucrative, promising careers. Aren't they the very epitome of the American dream!?!?!? Absolutely - without a doubt. They ARE the American dream from the outside looking in, but it is quite another story from the inside looking out. My friend and I are both turning 40 this year. It is a major life milestone. The only difference is that she woke up one day and realized that she could not spend the next 40 years with the same man. I myself am no stranger to divorce. I married my college sweetheart immediately after graduating and that marriage did not even make it to two years. We were just not meant to be on many, many, many levels. I made the decision to leave in August of 2001. Only a few short weeks later, 9/11 happened. I can remember watching the news and hearing that such a chaotic event really affirmed any decisions that people were making in their lives. Gobs of couples were getting married because they knew life was too short to wait, AND scads of couples made the decision to divorce for the exact same reason. 9/11 affirmed my decision. Life is FAR too short to spend it with the wrong person. As I listened to my friend explain to me her reasons for leaving, I completely and fully understood every word that came out of her mouth. I had lived this exact same scarytale and there was no prince there to save the day - you have to save yourself. She left with their dog, their two kids, and precious few items. Her husband was berating her with nastygrams all day and night. He was even refusing to let her return to their home for furniture. Seriously?!?!?!? This woman is on the street with your children and your pet, and you do not even have the common courtesy to let her have some of the furniture in the house!?!??!? I was appalled and mad, so I turned to my only weapon to help her through this trying time... Humor. As the weeks have gone on and the stories kept rolling in, we have reached a final verdict on her husband. He is a complete douche. We now strictly refer to him as Captain Douche - CD when we communicate about him in text. It is just simpler to write. She has hired a divorce attorney who is not cheap. And, of course, CD is completely refusing to cooperate. My dear friend asked her attorney what the next steps are IF CD continues to ignore any of her requests. Unfortunately, the next step would be to file a suit against him. A lawsuit, of course, equals a lot more attorney's fees. I was heartbroken for her. I feel like she has been running a marathon for weeks with no end in sight - not even a glimmer of hope. So, I came up with a plan! Captain Douche needs a sidekick. A sidekick to keep him preoccupied so that she can get those papers signed without a fuss. No self-respecting woman would want to be with him, so I suggested that she hire a hooker to keep him busy. I let her know that a hooker will ALSO cost money because she is, after all, a working gal. But, I feel that this would be a far cheaper solution than any additional attorney's fees. I even mentioned that she might just accept her payments in meth or crack instead of money. We will name her Sidehook. Then, after the divorce is finalized, she can have some tragic sidekick death and just disappear. I have also pondered why CD needs rooms and rooms of furniture for just himself!?!?!? After all, he is just living in a Captain Douche Cave now, right??!!?!? How much stuff could one douchebag actually need!?!?!? Here are all the essential items needed for any successful Captain Douche Cave:
No CD Cave would be complete without the infamous futon bed. Is it a bed or is it a couch!??!?! Why, it's both! It is so convenient for you to pass out on after tormenting your ex-wife all night. Who has time to mess with sheets when you have an ex to torment?!?!?! Not you, buddy.
Don't forget your cool gaming chair with the handy dandy beverage holder... You can be playing the night away with some kid in Japan wearing your video game headset WHILE tormenting your ex at the same time! It is a handsfree douchebag dream come true!
You will need to invest in an extra, extra large freezer to store all of your frozen dinners in. No one is cooking for you now other than Pizza Hut, so this freezer is an absolute must. In fact, the freezer looks really nice in your living room next to your futon bed and gaming chair. Captain Douche Class all the way...
You will also need a sturdy rocking chair. You will need to preferably place this in a dark room so that you can rock and stew in your douchebag anger. It is THE perfect furniture piece for solidarity and your misconceived visions of conquering the world, you tool.
You will also need a bamboo side table/TV tray. This will serve many functions for you... You can place your frozen dinners, liquor, Jergens lotion stash, porn DVDs, and your piles of How To Meet Women self help books in one convenient location.
Last, but certainly not least, you will ALSO need a wall hanger to display all of your Captain Douche capes. I know that you have a taste for the finer things in life, and all of your capes are made with a silk blend. You certainly do not want them to get wrinkled.
Talking about CD has worn this girl out - I sure could use a drink!!
In honor of today's topic, let's learn how to make the Grounds For Divorce cocktail!!
Ingredients:
4 chunks of pineapple
2 shots of tequila
1/2 shot of Licor 43 liqueur
1/2 shot of lime juice
Muddle the pineapple chunks into the base of a chilled glass - i.e. put them in there and smash them around. Add the other ingredients along with some with ice, then stir. I suggest that you make 4-5 of these so that you have the courage to live through another day dealing with Captain Douchebag! Much love to you, my dearest friend! Cheers!!!!
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